Insurance Scholar Gifts

Do you have health insurance?

MEDICAL SCHOOL, 'I didn't know you COULD specialize in insurance.'

'I'm sorry. It looks like your insurance company doesn't cover pre-existing life.'

'Frankly, our dental plan bites.'

'I asked if you were affiliated with an HMO not a UFO.'

'After giving a recorded statement to these people, being grilled by 60 Minutes would seem like a piece of cake.'

'The doctors all tell me that you have great medical insurance. They think your coverage might last through most of the tests that they have scheduled.'

"You'll be awake during the entire procedure. Your HMO won't cover the Anesthesia."

'The scariest story I know is escalating health care costs.'

We can't call the doctor, we can't call the nurse, we have to call the lady with the alligator purse.

"I'm prescribing a patch. It will dispense meds as permitted by your insurance company."

Healthy Patients Only

"They say that 'laughter is the best medicine', which is great because your health plan doesn't cover the real stuff!"

"Actually, 'Loss of Limb' would be covered under your homeowners policy."

'I don't think you can claim for this as a substitute car ...'

"Be afraid my friends...if the government takes over your healthcare, you're going to be left with nothing!"

'The surgery is expensive. We'll have to numb you from the wallet down.'

"Do you cover hypochondria?"

"Hey, little fella. Welcome to the risk pool."

'You know, our health plan doesn't cover dental.'

'Yea, I give away the fire. I make my money on insurance.'

'You mean that if one of us came to a sticky end I would receive a hundred thousand?'

HOLY LAND INSURANCE CO. , 'Darn you, Methuselah! -- You've completely

'I'm sorry Bill, but some things in medicine we doctors just can't explain...like insurance forms.'

'You do have catastrophic insurance, but it only applies in case of invasion from outer space.'

Deposits insured by the U.S. Government (which has a $4.2 trillion debt).

Reducing Health care costs with health and fitness programs

"No, I didn't say, 'health'. I said I'm concerned about your wealth... Can you afford to pay my bill?"

'This charge is for the office visit, this charge is for blood work, and this charge just about pays off the doc's school loan.'

"I'm not here to take away your guns—I'm here to sell you some overpriced insurance."

"Today we insure every American and end the need for private health insurance."

'Our policy is quite plain. We don't pay out on claims we can't pronounce.'

'I knew it! Important Exclusion 347, 'Plummeting Pachyderms'. . .'