Instruction Improviser Gifts

"And I'm telling YOU it looks exactly like the picture. See?"

Bad Timbre: the world's first Garage Philharmonic Orchestra

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

Jazz is Invented

The Hammer

'OK, the worn out carpeting proves I snack too much. Only one thing to do. Tomorrow I get prices on hardwood floors.'

'They say my tests are too hard. Maybe I should switch from Essay to Connect-the-Dot.'

'I made a Valentine's Day card for you. The school has no art supplies so I wrote the color in.'

"I'm fascinated by your résumé, particularly the advertising supplement."

'Well, you always said you wanted a water feature for the garden.'

"If you liked tonight's meal, you might enjoy 'Making The Meal,' a documentary with outtakes and commentary when the cook ran out of eggs because someone put an empty carton back in the refrigerator..."

The Augie Twins write music strictly for their own amusement.

Your performance since you came here suggests you may have lied on your resume.

"You're not giving me the job because I'm 'over qualified'? Oh, don't worry, most of those qualifications have been falsified."

"My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references."

'No, I said 'sit'.'

Castaway with a tennis court.

"Thanks for coming in again. Sorry about the last time. I must have pulled the wrong lever by mistake."

"It's just until the air conditioning in our house is fixed."

Washing Line - "I thought you wanted a clothes dryer."

'We added on to the couch.'

"Now is the part of the show when we ask the audience to shout out some random numbers."

'Thaw for 24 hours. They should have told me that yesterday.'

"The line in the script was actually 'Woof woof,' but, when we started shooting, 'Bow wow' came out, and the rest is history."

Thesaurus Editors Applicants,Candidates,Entrants,Inquirers,Job-seekers.

'Sometimes if things blow onto the canvas I just leave em there.'

'So, what part of the house are we delivering shock and awe to this weekend?'

"I said no to a man cave but I compromised on a dugout."

'So one day I said to myself, 'What am I doing living in this run down house when I could be living on my boat?'

"You're a fool, Carl - a fool and an idiot."

Piano desk.

Inflate a job!

'I'm not sure that mentioning your diploma in 'Monkey Business' really helps your resume...'

"We could hire another accountant and secretary, but wouldn't it be fun to have a barista?"

'The problem isn't your high definition television, it's your low definition eyes.'