Insider Trading Skeptic Gifts

'As a politician just turned lobbyist, I sometimes confuse pork barrel with pork bellies.'

'If I had to use one word to describe our strategy.'

'If he knows so much about stocks and shares, how come he still has to work?'

Stock market investment advice

'And from what we've been able to determine, this is the tweak that broke the paradigm's back.'

"We made a miscalculation, but it's consistent with our over-all strategy."

"A few years ago, you management gurus told us to downsize until the halls echoed..."

"These few weeks off school have convinced me that I'm definitely a stay-at-home kid."

'Six years ago you received a complimentary set of steak knives. You thought they were free didn't you Jimmy?...'

'In an effort to make this sales meeting more pleasant, I have taken the liberty of rotating our sales graph counter clockwise a full ninety degrees,'

I have decided that all future board meetings will be held before lunch.

'If congress regulates obscene bonuses, isn't that a violation of the first amendment?'

'I hate running in the outside lane.'

The contract was not worth the paper it was written on, which considering the paper was not a good sign.

When Downsizing has Gone Too Far...

'There's no correlation to stock prices. It's just a 'feel good' graph.'

'I actually look forward to hibernating during bull markets.'

'Well, there's another strikeout. ... get that bat company on the phone. I'm having second thoughts about their so-called 'volume discount.''

'And now, Henderson will introduce his 25-part plan on spontaneity.'

"This investment will make a pile of money. Of course, a good question is 'for whom?'"

'Haffner, we'll have none of your common sense suggestions!'

'Consumer confidence is up.. in the 'Money in the mattress' sector.'

'It's scoundrel time . . . '

"OK, I'll be the one to say it. With all due respect, sir, that is one heck of a big 'if!'"

"Do you mind? I'm reading the prospectus carefully before investing."

"These numbers are great! How did you folks turn our manufacturing division around so quickly?"

'George has us well diversified. We own every stock in the Misfortune 500.'

'The new business plan is the same as the old business plan except that, due to layoffs, we have less scapegoats to blame in case of failure.'

"The shipping industry has a name for the bold type of corporate restructuring we're about to undertake..."

'Of course we're making a lot of mistakes - this is a dummy corporation.'

'Now, I want you to get back out there and beg him for mercy!'

'It's not a Ponzi scheme. It's a Ponzi FUND.'

"This is our newest drug. It's currently undergoing rigorous testing to see how much we can charge."

You need to transfer your fear of the falling stock market into a healthy activity. Try skydiving.

"£38,000 in consultancy fees and 'sell more stuff' is the best you can manage."