Advisor Skeptic Gifts

"£38,000 in consultancy fees and 'sell more stuff' is the best you can manage."

'If I had to use one word to describe our strategy.'

"Welcome to the future"

"Then we have an unspoken agreement?"

"I'll show you our growth projections but only if you promise not to snicker."

'How many times have I told to seize the day before it seizes you?'

'Negotiations have reached an impasse, legal recommends we resort to violence.'

"Give a man a fish and you feed him for the day. Teach a man to fish and you can charge a consulting fee."

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

'Answer these constituents letters. Tell them to go to hell in a nice way.'

'And from what we've been able to determine, this is the tweak that broke the paradigm's back.'

"We made a miscalculation, but it's consistent with our over-all strategy."

"Remember, Man of good Sense not here to do work on your behalf. Man of good Sense only here to help you on strategic level until you wise enough to overcome recession."

"I can definitely give you my two cents, Sir – just let me know how you want it: Bitcoin, Paypal, or Venmo."

"I became a mentor because I needed more direction in life."

"He's not a big fan of micromanaging."

"I removed the AI software from your computer and I can see now that you're a blithering idiot."

'In an effort to make this sales meeting more pleasant, I have taken the liberty of rotating our sales graph counter clockwise a full ninety degrees,'

I have decided that all future board meetings will be held before lunch.

"At least he's honest about it..."

"Every single day, guys ask you for advice about women, work, sports... Haven't you ever even heard of the law of supply and demand?. . .I'd be glad to steer the downtrodden and the forlorn your way for a mere 82% of the man-to-man-talk fee."

When Downsizing has Gone Too Far...

The contract was not worth the paper it was written on, which considering the paper was not a good sign.

'Where you went wrong' Desk.

"And this is my cousin Dave, who handles the conventional wisdom."

'It basically boils down to you need to do stuff better.'

Don't forget to read the small print.

'My philosophy has always been, sell advice, don't follow it.'

"The peasants have lost all respect for the moat."

"That's what I get for using artificial intelligence."

'I have great job security since management doesn't even know I work here.'

"When I want your advice, I'll ask for it... but in an oblique, face-saving way."

"For a list of the ways artificial intelligence is killing your job, please press one."

"The steering-committee three are we. Run it by us, and we'll see."