Innocent Questioner Gifts

'You always talk about robbing Peter to pay Paul, but you never mention Mary.'

I've been teaching art history for decades. Students today ask new kinds of questions. No, I doubt a gluten-free menu option was available that evening. Nope, the artist was not making a statement about climate change. No, despite the umbrellas, this is not about sun exposure safety. Well, yes, I suppose you can say it's a selfie.

Child protects planet with umbrella.

"They’re baseballs. You throw ’em."

'Thanks to the internet it is now possible to be extremely well-informed and completely wrong at the same time!'

"Daddy, why do people pull round pizza from square boxes and cut them into triangles before they eat them?"

Do Guns Kill?

'If it 'tells' the time, why do I have to look at it?'

'I know he followed you home but you can't keep him.'

Ostrich Curoisities

'Yeah, bit how does the stork get into the maternity room?'

"When will I be old enough to have an inner child?"

'So, in room 1 we sweat them. 2 is for grilling, 3 is for roasting. We leave them to simmer in room 4...'

'Wanna see my tadpole collection?'

'According to this, you ate all the pies.'

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

'But why do you want to transmute asparagus into cotton?'

"After spending thirty years creating models of early universe formation, I began to suspect that my work didn't make a shred of difference."

Army Leader: 'We have ways of making you Torque.'

Lost and Profound.

'Mummy, what's a daddy one of those called?'

'I'm just saying... Maybe we're over doing the old 'good cop, bad cop' routine.'

'Don't try to deny it, Jehovah - we've got witnesses.'

"We'll get what we need from you. Guaranteed!" "Officer Madoff, the best stool softener on the force."

"Last chance, or Max here has ways of making you talk."

What's the antidote for wheat germ?

'We can't determine if you're telling the truth, but you should have a doctor check your pressure.'

'... And then Goldsmith here, said to him: 'Never mind, if you're innocent you have nothing to worry about'.'

He Loves me... He loves me not... He loves me... Hey, this flower is missing a petal!

'If you want to get anywhere with girls, you gotta PRETEND to like bunnies, ponies, and kittens.'

Religion, This End Up

God hounded by the media.

'Am I covered if a car falls on my tree?'

"Do you think it's an accident of history that Freemasons live in houses and we live in trees?"

"I can only give you name rank and the number of my agent..."