Ingredient Detective Gifts

'She read the ingredients listed on the label.'

'Just between you and me, Mrs Frobish, how'd you like the lowdown on what's really in knockwurst?'

Honest Vending

"Where do we put Desserts?"

"And we are proud to say we only use the freshest artificial ingredients."

"I'll have the Investigator's Special."

"First Lady Lettuce goes missing, then Colonel Crouton followed by Reginald Radish... Great Caesar's Ghost! Someone is making a salad!"

"Is the MSG local?"

All Natural Nothing

"Hmmm... low ash content. Smells like someone switched to canola oil... wait, is that tripe I smell?"

"That's it young man. . . No more energy drinks for you!"

'Notice how with truth in packaging requirements all the labels begin with ‘OMG!''

"Do you remember when we used to put FOOD in food?"

"He was WOK-ing in a winter wonderland."

Flour, sugar, earth, air, fire, water.

'Six different chefs in six months and they still can't make a decent broth!'

"It's been redacted to produce our sauces."

"Number 2. Step forward please."

"Well, son. . . here your dad makes the famous 'fresh from nature' food!"

Mother to son, regarding stolen cake: 'I don't need to check anything with 'the boys in forensics' I know it was you.'

'So, in room 1 we sweat them. 2 is for grilling, 3 is for roasting. We leave them to simmer in room 4...'

I'm getting an ample full taste... I'm getting whimsical... I'm getting 'red'

'Diet considerations.'

Sure, I'll take a sandwich

"Okay, lets see what we have here."

The Huge-Underground Vat theory of why all wonton soup tastes exactly the same.

'Are you the guy who put gluten in the bread?'

"And that's where hot dogs come from."

"How would you like your soy protein, mixed tocopherols and methylcellulose patty?"

"...I should have seen it coming...The busboys, the waiters, the dishwashers, the maitre d', all stealing shrimp, caviar, lobster, but ah, the strawberries, that's where I had them?"

"Sure, ha ha, it’s all ‘free-range’ beef."

"What the heck did I do with that leftover turkey?!"

Turkey Autopsy

'...Contains Phixe-knide, TBHQ, hydro-cla, Cyklid, Yetfopnmide - and other unpronounceable stuff.' (grocery store)

'Here ya' go, sweetie. Our Key Lime Pie.'