Food Detective Gifts

"Makes you wonder, doesn't it?"

'I keep getting stomach cramps after eating.' - 'You're probably intolerant to certain foods.' - 'Can you test for that?' - 'Yes, just eat things one by one and see what makes you ill.' - 'Won't that be slow and painful?' - 'Fingers crossed.'

Ready meals with honest labelling.

"Remind me - superfood or carcinogen?"

'This isn't a prescription. It's this week's grocery list.'

'Are you the guy who put gluten in the bread?'

The four stages of comprehensive food labelling

'Most people are worried about this - According to a Gallup pole.'

"Do you have anything with FOOD in it?"

"And that's where hot dogs come from."

"Excuse me, is this fruit genetically modified?"

"I've taken you off fats, cholesterol, alcohol, sugar, meat and grain. I'm afraid there's nothing left to put you on."

"Its DNA is consistent with meat loaf."

"It says these chicken nuggets are from parts unknown."

"Bag the trans fat evidence and this time get it to the precinct."

The Food Free Food Aisle

"It's been redacted to produce our sauces."

'To be honest, I'm more worried about what they've done with the rest of it.'

"Well, son. . . here your dad makes the famous 'fresh from nature' food!"

"Where's the nutrition label?!"

'As a matter of fact, these apples are really transgenic onions.'

'Are you sure this meatloaf is kosher?'

'How long do you reckon they've been passing off horsemeat for beef?'

'With all the fooling around with genes that's going on, it really is mystery meat.'

'Do you think we will get away with it?'

Rat Hair: Peanut Butter Ingredient.

'Notice how with truth in packaging requirements all the labels begin with ‘OMG!''

We're calling it 'Ma Wilsons home baked steak and kidney pie' Try too eat less processed food.

"Excuse me, sir! Do these vegetables have any dangerous additives?"

Pardon me, sir, do you know how you're being lied to today? Not before my coffee. That's not coffee. Huh? It's watered-down coffee mixed with red dye made of crushed beetles, to make it appear richer. You're drinking beetle juice! I feel like streaming a movie, for some reason.

I found out something last night that just totally destroyed my entire worldview. The burrito, as most Americans know it, did not actually come from Mexico. Or maybe it did. The internet is of two minds about the issue. The point is, if you can't count on the burrito being Mexican, you can't count on anything. I have something to tell you about Chop Suey.

'I stay trim because of high metabolism. Theirs, not mine.'

'The dietician told him to increase his roughage!'

'Like death by salad.'

Good Cop/Bad Cholesterol