Information Manager Gifts

'My name's Google and I'm being inundated with requests for information about every damn thing imaginable, by people I don't even know...It's endless!'

ACME INDUSTRIES NEW PRODUCTS DIVISION, 'The best part is, it can repossess itself!'

"I'd like a week off without any business related e-mail on my home computer."

"You may have been the victim of a mis-sold PFI contract."

'You know too much,'

"The desktop skills test was a little worrying,56% couldn't manage 'Word' 75% were confused by 'Excel' and 43% wanted to know what channel 'Eastenders' was on."

'With the increase in hacking, the I.T. department has proposed sealing all of our data in blister packs.'

'Ted, I really wish you'd update your presentation software so we could do away with the 3-D glasses.'

"Our new information management system has just worked out where we wasted most money last year. . . It was on the new information management system."

Lies/Damned Lies/Social Media

"Useless information"

"Don’t you eyeball me, Ed! That’s right, look down at the table. Only technicians who remember to back up the data can look at me! And if you start to cry I will fire you!"

"Well the good news is that we did save a little money by not investing in cyber crime protection...."

'This one is for keeping 'On Message' in the spin wars.'

"The date protection policy is all about access to information, and we all know information is POWER!"

Never tell the boss "You can count on me" during inventory.

Catalogue of little books.

"Is there an option to make my out-of-office message permanent?"

"When they said progress made our replacement inevitable I thought they meant by AI."

Electronics: Nooks/Crannies

'I'm afraid you've failed the Turing test.'

"I thought that modern communications systems were meant to be more efficient...That they would cut down on waste and duplication."

"And you need to know this why?"

"You should be able to get through your emails during the working day then you could use the rest of your life to do some of the work."

"My Gmail account is full. I can't get any more email." "So?" "I'll miss email. It was so old-timey. You could write hundreds or even thousands of words, with actual paragraphs." "People didn't see any little animations to show them you were typing. They had to actually wonder if you were going to reply." "And the spam was fun. You never got to hear from Nigerian princes while you're checking your texts." "Just delete stuff." "If you delete a few gigs of old emails, you'll be able to get n

Coffee. The phrase "where everybody knows your name" used to sound warm and friendly. Now, with all our personal information exposed online, it sounds scary!

"I seek enlightenment - and a way to outsource our company's tech support."

Megabyte Information Processing Center.

'The boss said to get rid of all the pirated software before he returns, which will be in about five to ten years.'

"Well you said you wanted a simple, cheap solution!" (IT Solutions).

'In a sentence or two, Gibbs.'

We've already got one. A hidden microphone in the staff coffee area.