Information Security Manager Gifts

'With the increase in hacking, the I.T. department has proposed sealing all of our data in blister packs.'

"The report is clear that cyber crime is on the increase, it's a worry."

"The desktop skills test was a little worrying,56% couldn't manage 'Word' 75% were confused by 'Excel' and 43% wanted to know what channel 'Eastenders' was on."

"Does anyone know anything about spyware?"

'We subpoenaed all of 'Mr. Big's' electronic messages. They're in morse code.'

'Ted, I really wish you'd update your presentation software so we could do away with the 3-D glasses.'

"Our new information management system has just worked out where we wasted most money last year. . . It was on the new information management system."

"Don’t you eyeball me, Ed! That’s right, look down at the table. Only technicians who remember to back up the data can look at me! And if you start to cry I will fire you!"

"Well the good news is that we did save a little money by not investing in cyber crime protection...."

'I'm afraid you've failed the Turing test.'

"When they said progress made our replacement inevitable I thought they meant by AI."

"With the fortune we have spent in technology, informers and spies around the world, how is it possible that you still haven't found where the heck is Wally?"

"I seek enlightenment - and a way to outsource our company's tech support."

Coffee. The phrase "where everybody knows your name" used to sound warm and friendly. Now, with all our personal information exposed online, it sounds scary!

The Quotable Ben Franklin. To lengthen thy life, lessen thy meals. And not flying thy kite during thunderstorms might help, too!

'What an execrable day. I got drenched in a Wiki leak and buried in a document dump.'

"Well you said you wanted a simple, cheap solution!" (IT Solutions).

"I think retrieving the info from that harddrive might be a little tricky."

'The boss said to get rid of all the pirated software before he returns, which will be in about five to ten years.'

We've already got one. A hidden microphone in the staff coffee area.

Project Manager Showdown

"Making us more mobile friendly didn't mean letting the general public use our car park, Smithers."

'He knows where the viruses are buried.'

'We want people to see the human side of IT.'

'We're out of duct tape.'

'It just doesn't get any beta than this.'

"Perhaps you're right. Maybe we should upgrade our computer system."

"What do you mean 'upgrade' the server? The old one works just fine."

Businessman has in/out boxes labeled 'OPS' and APPS.'

"Your call may be monitored by the CIA, NSA, Russians, Chinese, space aliens..."

'I think I set the security level, on my anti virus software, too high. Whenever I access anything it is automatically deleted.'

"Don't mind me, folks, I'm just here for regular system maintenance."

'I told him over and over again never to press 'delete' more than twice!'

"Remember when they used to call it the 'private sector?'"

"Hi, I'm the new IT-security-expert! Where is your server room? I want to see if I can overcome your firewall!"