It Manager Gifts

"I don't want to alarm anyone, but our cybersecurity team told us to be on the lookout for deepfakes."

"The desktop skills test was a little worrying,56% couldn't manage 'Word' 75% were confused by 'Excel' and 43% wanted to know what channel 'Eastenders' was on."

Google

"The idea that the government introduces change for the SAKE of it is NONSENSE...we also introduce it so we have an endless stream of tabloid friendly headlines and meaningless sound bites."

"Meet the new head of security."

"We managed to outsource our strategic development team to a company in Beijing that will say 'yes sir no sir' for 25% less."

"Well you said you wanted a simple, cheap solution!" (IT Solutions).

'The boss said to get rid of all the pirated software before he returns, which will be in about five to ten years.'

'It just doesn't get any beta than this.'

"We found the hacker who broke into our system - and now he's our director of security."

"Perhaps you're right. Maybe we should upgrade our computer system."

We've already got one. A hidden microphone in the staff coffee area.

"Well the good news is that we did save a little money by not investing in cyber crime protection...."

"We tried crowdsourcing the data, but the crowd turned into an angry mob and threw bogus data at us."

"We saved a lot of money by investing in older computers. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go figure out why our profits are down."

"Our new information management system has just worked out where we wasted most money last year. . . It was on the new information management system."

'I have a plan 'B', but that's also dependent on a working projector bulb.'

'Since we switched back to dial up, office productivity has increased. I think the staff grew impatient with the slow internet connections and stopped using the computers for personal use.'

"Thank you for computerising the company - you are now obsolete, Goodbye."

"...and after you've secured the documents in the cloud..."

'The new phone system automatically shuts down if someone says we owe them money.'

'Doris, if you're here, who is guarding the firewall'

"OK, I'll order 5,000 of them just in case our mainframe breaks down."

'It isn't that we don't have high technology. We don't have any technology.'

'I guess you could consider it a transfer. We're putting you in the cloud.'

Project Manager Showdown

'Hey, come back with my laptop!' 'Ha, some spy he is!'

'We're going to talk about syntax highlights.'

E-commerce (computer the size of a building).

'Sanders, our numbers on google are slipping, let's pump up the keywords.'

"What do you mean 'upgrade' the server? The old one works just fine."

'When Bob returns with the ketchup we'll discuss staff wasting money on private Internet use.'

"Purvision, you're fired! Hand in your cell phone, beeper, pager and laptop."

"Making us more mobile friendly didn't mean letting the general public use our car park, Smithers."

'Miss Harris, could you pleae cancel tech support and order me a new computer?'