Infrastructure Manager Gifts

'Guess they're still fixing the street.'

Water shortage and waste due to leaks

"This is where infrastructure meets personnel."

"The tricky bit is finding some UK infrastructure that's working to switch it off."

'A feasibility study has been ordered into a High Speed Submarine link between London and Birmingham.'

"My career's on the line."

"I understand, Mr. Osborne, take HS2 off and replace with 'Oriental Express'."

"You may have been the victim of a mis-sold PFI contract."

"Someone's screwed up. . . there's apiece of road here no-one's working on!"

"Living in a city with functional infrastructure must be so boring."

"As I understand it, after this scaffolding comes down the city will be done."

"The desktop skills test was a little worrying,56% couldn't manage 'Word' 75% were confused by 'Excel' and 43% wanted to know what channel 'Eastenders' was on."

'With the increase in hacking, the I.T. department has proposed sealing all of our data in blister packs.'

'Ted, I really wish you'd update your presentation software so we could do away with the 3-D glasses.'

"Our new information management system has just worked out where we wasted most money last year. . . It was on the new information management system."

'Someone's got to do something about these pot-holes!'

"Don’t you eyeball me, Ed! That’s right, look down at the table. Only technicians who remember to back up the data can look at me! And if you start to cry I will fire you!"

"Well the good news is that we did save a little money by not investing in cyber crime protection...."

'It's a bold initiative but I don't think it's right for the staff kitchen.'

'I'm afraid you've failed the Turing test.'

"When they said progress made our replacement inevitable I thought they meant by AI."

Sick Building Syndrome

Caution signs.

"This is what happens when you award the contract to the cheapest tender...."

'Welcome! You are now in Shambles!'

"I seek enlightenment - and a way to outsource our company's tech support."

"Neversource"

Job Safety - Hardhat.

"We are extremely short-staffed here and you would need to be okay with that. For example I’m the janitor, but I also do interviews in between emptying trash cans."

How Many It Takes

"Well you said you wanted a simple, cheap solution!" (IT Solutions).

'The boss said to get rid of all the pirated software before he returns, which will be in about five to ten years.'

We've already got one. A hidden microphone in the staff coffee area.

"Is it me, or are these potholes getting worse?"

"Making us more mobile friendly didn't mean letting the general public use our car park, Smithers."