Impatient Humor Lover Gifts

"I hate waiting, don't you?" (patents office)

Larry's used art

Mike (The Situation) is rumored to have written the original manuscript for his best-selling memoir entirely out of bronzer.

Grace For Flies

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

"I don't think you're getting enough stress."

"I spilled a red dot of paint, so I painted the whole room so you wouldn't notice it."

...And he calls himself the 'Green' Giant...

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

'Behold. Ed and Jim have finally reached nirvana.'

Pirate boy reciting the alphabet

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

'Remember only you can prevent forest fires.'

"Why do they do that?"

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

"Another dry scotch Manhattan, Mike. Make it a double."

Their marriage in jeopardy, Strawberry Shortcake and Billy Bob Banana Bread seek therapy.

"Ooh, I must sit down - I'm dead on my feet!"

'Something for the weekend, Sir?'

"Don't worry, they normally look like little humans during the early scans."

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

New and improved! BunkerBuster! Get out of the sand trap every single time - or your money back!!

Man painting over a 'You are here' sign.

'That's not really what I meant by 'let your hair down', Rapunzel.'

"It's not the persistent lack of sunlight or freezing temperatures that bother me - it's the crowds I can't stand."

"States of tofu"

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

'Now I kinda wish we had planned a bigger wedding.'

Beach con-man.

Clyde thought “Atomic Sparklers” was just an ad gimmick

Fly Football

"Hmm...well...It'll look better when it's finished...!"

"And you're certain these are accidents?"

"And as soon as he's on the mend,we'll get the physiotherapist in here with a ball of twine."

Pregnant lady being greeted by foetus.