Humour Gifts

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

'Do you have any skills other than knowing how to keep a tidy desk?'

'Mum, how come we're always the bad guys in bed-time stories?...'

"Only one of us can be 'The Funny One'."

A cow with a wedgie.

"This city is becoming unlivable."

'It's not Spring yet! Go back to sleep!'

"Must you sing, 'I'm in the mood for love' everytime you want sex?"

All You Can Eat Buffet: "Remember, my safe word is 'Diabetes.'"

Hell's Schlegel

'It'll make 'feet' obsolete!'

"We start on #F."

'Personally I wouldn't be seen dead in it.'

Could I trade in this greyhound for a dachshund? My doctor says I have to slow up.

"Somewhere along the line the world got a whole lot dorkier."

Couple using dogs to pull their camper van.

"How can you just sit there, wrapped in your own safe little world, when you know there are millions of squirrels out there?"

"You'll like my mate - he's a scream..!"

'What do you mean you're a vegetarian?'

'What I wouldn't give for some good eczema medication!'

"We'll be well into January before that post-holiday smile fades."

'If she goes, we go!'

"The fax machine ate my homework."

'To this century's most obnoxious party guest...'

"Thank you so much for the loan. I don't think I can ever repay you."

"My wife's a magician . . . she can turn anything into an argument."

Ed's Pizza and the Cardiology Clinic.

Jesus turns water into Vitamin Water.

Santa Claus in driverless sleigh

Pigeon: 'Ever heard of Text Messaging?'

"Going to the vet for worming tablets is so embarrassing: I order mine online now..."

"When dealing with Americans, refer to the heat in Celsius. They hate that."