Humorous Widow Gifts

"It's not sediment, it's my late husband's ashes - he always said he wouldn't mind being drunk when he died."

'And just what makes you think I don't know what I'm doing?!!'

You got what you deserve … you deserve each other.

"I guess when your husband dies you'll really understand what they mean by a statistical death."

'What - no internet? No USB ports? No socket for the coffee machine? No phone? Are you crazy? My husband was a very important CEO!'

"Sweetie, I'm back from the dead!"

'Shall we turn the extractor fan down a bit...?'

'Your deceased husband keeps saying: don't call him. He'll call you.'

"We laughed. We cried. But mostly we watched TV."

"Apparently the will was typed up wrong and UCLA got all your husband's money...and you get his brain!"

'Is there a lady in the audience whose late husband says he never did put up that shelf?'

'He doesn't talk to me anymore.'

'There's a little bit of my late husband in every glass - I used his ashes as a fining agent.'

"We got him onto an exercise bike, but I'm afraid it was too late."

"You say that I love the Liverpool football team more than I love you?...."

"I'm afraid Larry sleeps with more than just the fishes."

"I'm a free woman. Edgar tried to cross the road."

Widow shows a portrait of herself

Arnold Hazlet and beloved wife Tamira (unless she married that guy across the street)

"It's not much, but we've made it our own living hell."

'Your late husband requests a status up date on how his stocks are doing...'

"After Harry was gone I started decorating the house as a distraction. It was around the time I was wallpapering the driveway that I thought I should seek grief counseling."

"You're not supposed to answer her when she talks to us."

Lady to tombstone: 'Sam, I invested all of your money in an IPO last week ... we're millionaires!'

"Dead! How do you know he's dead? You're a dermatologist."

"... and to my husband I leave f*** all!"

'Today the market corrected itself AND Leonard.'

"I was able to get in one last lecture about diet and exercise."

'This is your seventh husband who has disappeared without a trace... Boy, you're unlucky...'

'Yes, we can easily place a gallon of Rocky Road in with your husband.'

"There, there. Try to remember how much he annoyed you."

Roach Motel

"He was such a hypochondriac, he insisted on being buried next to a health professional."

I realize we all grieve in our own way, ma'am, but the crematorium staff did not appreciate the fireworks you put in your late husbands pockets.

"No, he didn't suffer. That's my only regret."