Humorous Preacher Gifts

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"The Lord works in mysterious ways, I mean, alpacas? What are they? It’s like Bob Seger mated with a llama."

Support group for sheep.

"Reverend, I recommend you turn the other cheek."

"Call me 'pops' one more time and I'll lace 'ya one!"

Monk Prompt

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

How's my sermon. . .

"...and in conclusion..."

The Sleeping Congregation.

Bishops Snooker

'I noticed you don't sleep during the sermons anymore.'

Vicar wearing sunglasses.

The ten ammendments

"Giving is down at the church, so we are charging an entrance fee."

'The good stuff is here, under the counter.'

'Even More Disciples'

'Can you just send the digital copy?'

'I really don't need to go to church, Reverend -- I feel guilty enough without it.'

"Remember that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven

"He's dumbing down the sermons again."

'Next time you hear confession from that barmaid say, Tut-tut not COR.'

"He was much more effective in the field."

Next Sunday - Rap Mass! 'I thought we reached the limit when we had that jazz mass.'

Applause

'Man, I'm bombing,'

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

'I hear he has a reputation as a loose Canon.'

'I really can't think of a thing to preach about this morning, so I'll take questions from the floor.'

Delivery of Sermon within 30 minutes or your second one's FREE!

Excommunicate Me.

'Great escapism, Reverend!'

'Well, for the sake of argument, just pretend you've done something wicked.'

"You have a divine right - and the left isn't bad either."