Humorous Essayist Pillows

'I write non-fiction with a dash of rubbish to confuse the critics.'

"... and I have a follow-up question regarding rawhide."

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

'Poor Kleinzweck -- his working hypothesis got laid off.'

'The sound of one hand clapping.'

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

"A whack, whack here. A whack, whack there. Here a whack, there a whack. Everywhere a whack, whack."

"...You talking to me? Well, I'm the only one here... You talking to me?!" "Narcissus De Niro"

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

The Forbidden Joyce Kilmer

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

'Ms Simpson, I believe I've finally done it. I've written the Great American Memo.'

"William Blake said you can see the whole world in a grain of sand, but he doesn't always make a lot of sense."

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

Meet the author - celebrity autobiographies,

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

Local rock claims to have been muse for Emily Dickinson poem "I'm that 'little stone' honest to goodness!"

'Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest algologist of all?'

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'I didn't think of it as someone else writing my term paper, I thought of it more as a guest blogger situation.'

'He was a great writer'

"He's very disciplined about his writing, every morning he stares at the keyboard for at least 4 hours before he allows himself a cup of tea!"

"I got all 'Cs', but I call that an 'A' report card...'A' for 'Average.'"

Kultural K9's.

Rita's PhD defense wasn't going well."

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

'Neither a lender nor a borrower be.'

"I see you also took the road less travelled!"

An Enquiry Concerning Human Understanding as written and as it would have been written if David Hume had invested in a word processor,

'That's your third bowl of gruel this week! What is this -- a feeding frenzy?'

Tolstoy and Dostoevsky plan a collaboration - 'War and Punishment'... it'll make us a bundle.

T.S. Eliot lacks the courage to eat a peach.

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."