Humorous Essayist Gifts

'I write non-fiction with a dash of rubbish to confuse the critics.'

"... and I have a follow-up question regarding rawhide."

Open mike night presents Sadie Cohen. Summer's almost over

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

'Poor Kleinzweck -- his working hypothesis got laid off.'

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

'The sound of one hand clapping.'

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"A whack, whack here. A whack, whack there. Here a whack, there a whack. Everywhere a whack, whack."

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

The Forbidden Joyce Kilmer

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

"...You talking to me? Well, I'm the only one here... You talking to me?!" "Narcissus De Niro"

'Ms Simpson, I believe I've finally done it. I've written the Great American Memo.'

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

Meet the author - celebrity autobiographies,

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

'Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest algologist of all?'

Local rock claims to have been muse for Emily Dickinson poem "I'm that 'little stone' honest to goodness!"

"William Blake said you can see the whole world in a grain of sand, but he doesn't always make a lot of sense."

'He was a great writer'

'I didn't think of it as someone else writing my term paper, I thought of it more as a guest blogger situation.'

"He's very disciplined about his writing, every morning he stares at the keyboard for at least 4 hours before he allows himself a cup of tea!"

"I got all 'Cs', but I call that an 'A' report card...'A' for 'Average.'"

'That's your third bowl of gruel this week! What is this -- a feeding frenzy?'

It's an autobiography of a guy who spent his whole life trying to get his first @#^& book published. Editor.

An Enquiry Concerning Human Understanding as written and as it would have been written if David Hume had invested in a word processor,

"I see you also took the road less travelled!"

Kultural K9's.

'Neither a lender nor a borrower be.'

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

Rita's PhD defense wasn't going well."

Tolstoy and Dostoevsky plan a collaboration - 'War and Punishment'... it'll make us a bundle.

T.S. Eliot lacks the courage to eat a peach.