Humorous Curmudgeon Pillows

'I'm not here!'

"Maybe I don't like stunning debuts."

The fate that awaits us all: creeping Rooneyism

"Call this an iceberg? When I was a kid we wouldn't have called this an iceburg!"

"He was a grouch when I met him. It was love at first gripe."

Biliard Enthusiast

'Next time you feel like keeping in touch, keep in touch with somebody else.'

Give way - 'Oh, alright then...'

"Paper or plastic?"

Ed Revere, Spam Courier

Quicksand Swamp - Cheap Burial Plots.

Cafe: 'Soup of the day, Hon, is 'primordial'.'

'I know we had some good time together, Muriel, but a permanent relationship is out.'

'What? When you cross a bloodsucker with a pair of antlers? A moose-quito!'

Misfortune cookies

The Moo-Walk

"Sometimes, on days like this, I feel like the world is conspiring to make me happy."

'I don't haven to remind you again, do I?'

How about my dinner?

Woman in a card shop sees an 'Out Of Section' - Patience, Of Work, Nowhere, Your Mind.

'Hey, Fred, what are you doing for Thanksgiving?'

I HATE STUFF

Your DNA on a Stick

popcorn...

Uncle Murray Weekly

"The ringtones.....The ringtones......"

"Hello. This is the old man across the street. Get off my lawn!"

'The prisons are full, so I'm sentencing you to marry Rosie O'Donnell.'

A painter paints his thumb, not the nude model in front of him.

"The haircut cost $20. I only had $10 on me."

Victorian Children's Party

A man in a fruit shop shocked to see Pawpaws in the form of Animal paws

Towels: His, hers and stalker's.