Humorous Curmudgeon Gifts

'I'm not here!'

"Maybe I don't like stunning debuts."

The fate that awaits us all: creeping Rooneyism

"Call this an iceberg? When I was a kid we wouldn't have called this an iceburg!"

"He was a grouch when I met him. It was love at first gripe."

Give way - 'Oh, alright then...'

'Next time you feel like keeping in touch, keep in touch with somebody else.'

Biliard Enthusiast

"Paper or plastic?"

Quicksand Swamp - Cheap Burial Plots.

Ed Revere, Spam Courier

Cafe: 'Soup of the day, Hon, is 'primordial'.'

'I know we had some good time together, Muriel, but a permanent relationship is out.'

"Sometimes, on days like this, I feel like the world is conspiring to make me happy."

The Moo-Walk

'What? When you cross a bloodsucker with a pair of antlers? A moose-quito!'

I hope Bernie Sanders wins. We've never had a president like him. We've had cool presidents, awkward presidents, dignified presidents, goofy presidents

Misfortune cookies

'Why don't you change it to sports or cartoons or something? -- You know CNN just depresses you.'

Tonight's specials are printed on the side of the barn. ? Bar.

I HATE STUFF

'I don't haven to remind you again, do I?'

popcorn...

Your DNA on a Stick

'Hey, Fred, what are you doing for Thanksgiving?'

Woman in a card shop sees an 'Out Of Section' - Patience, Of Work, Nowhere, Your Mind.

Uncle Murray Weekly

How about my dinner?

"The ringtones.....The ringtones......"

"The haircut cost $20. I only had $10 on me."

"Hello. This is the old man across the street. Get off my lawn!"

A man in a fruit shop shocked to see Pawpaws in the form of Animal paws

Victorian Children's Party

A painter paints his thumb, not the nude model in front of him.

'The prisons are full, so I'm sentencing you to marry Rosie O'Donnell.'