Curmudgeon At Heart Pillows

Uncle Murray Weekly

A desert island with a knotted palm tree

"Maybe I don't like stunning debuts."

The fate that awaits us all: creeping Rooneyism

"Call this an iceberg? When I was a kid we wouldn't have called this an iceburg!"

"He was a grouch when I met him. It was love at first gripe."

'Next time you feel like keeping in touch, keep in touch with somebody else.'

"My great-uncle Octavio always wore his hat in the house. That way, if bad company knocked on the door, he could say he was just leaving."

'Look out, it's a double edged sword. . .'

'I know we had some good time together, Muriel, but a permanent relationship is out.'

Max Beerbohm

I hope Bernie Sanders wins. We've never had a president like him. We've had cool presidents, awkward presidents, dignified presidents, goofy presidents

'Why don't you change it to sports or cartoons or something? -- You know CNN just depresses you.'

"Sometimes, on days like this, I feel like the world is conspiring to make me happy."

'I'm screwed...'

I HATE STUFF

"You have an intense fear of long words. We call this condition Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia."

We've had a lot of power cuts lately, but but don't worry we have a back up system.

Fortune Cookies

"That's the trouble with crusades, they always drag religion into it!"

"Hello. This is the old man across the street. Get off my lawn!"

A cave man blowing down a blowpipe.

Victorian Children's Party

'I'm not here!'

'I see your Alan's got his Christmas face on again.'

World Records Office.

Ask Sadie. Dear Sadie, I'm 66 years old: and I going to be as crabby as you? - Rolf. *Actual reader letter. Rolf, this is really a sad, unfortunate letter. It seems unlikely you can ever achieve any reasonable level of crabby if you're the kind of loser to send such a whiny question. Great crabs are born, not made! Guy probably won't even make a decent curmudgeon. Not sure that's what he's hoping for.

"But the tax evasion did bring me happiness."

"Even your sleep is curmudgeonly."

'Sunnyside down.'

"Working with the elderly can be challenging... They can be bad tempered and curmudgeonly. I never ask him for anything until he's had his nap!"

Cheeses Christ

'Society of hermits'

The Post Of Christmas Present

"Another p**s and vinegar?"