Humorous Acquaintance Gifts

"Stupid h*." "Dumb b***h."

You're dead to me, Marsha. And that's just the way I like it."

"I suggest we start with the low hanging fruit."

"The bad news is that I backed into a fan. The good news is my owner's a plumber."

A Punch and Judy Professor is visited by Death as a puppet.

'My god! Have you seen the size of this chiropodist's bill?!!'

'I think that our next door neighbor might have lived here.'

"The difference between us and them is...they can be reproduced by unskilled labour."

"Damn it, Hopkins, didn't you get yesterday's memo?"

C'mon boy, speak! Speak!

"It's my box of secrets. It has things I've thought about but would never tell anyone!"

People I've Met At Parties Whose Names I've Forgotten

'Great! You mean it's obedience school prom season already!'

'You don't mind distractions as much as me, so I didn't think you'd mind if my kids played in your office today.'

"Every five minutes it's 'feed me this, get me that' or something along those lines, I mean, I'm parrot-phrasing."

The Meeting Agenda: Start Simple

Fido phones

'He's training for a career in law.'

'I didn't spend $49.95 on this answering machine to have you just hang up so leave a message!'

"Before I continue, can we just lose the personal trainers?"

"Talking's ok but to me walking on your hind legs is simply taking anthropomorphism a bit too far."

"See what a few beers mingled with some great ideas will do for the boss?"

'Stop worrying, he said he's bring his new friend he's met recently.'

Robinia Floribunda

No Coin Flipping

"I enjoy younger guys, but they have to be house-broken."

'This is the last time I'm walking the dog! Our neighbor told me if spot poops on his lawn again, he's going to rub MY nose in it!'

Ping Pong Handshake.

No, it doesn't come furnished.

'Yes,your feet are still there!'

I've got a gun.

The usual?

Never use an electric can opener if you live next door to a cat lady.

Stick in a Meeting...Unstuck in a Meeting

'I just remembered something! We forgot to put 'open bar' on the invitations!'