Humorous Friend Gifts

'I didn't spend $49.95 on this answering machine to have you just hang up so leave a message!'

No, it doesn't come furnished.

Robinia Floribunda

"The difference between us and them is...they can be reproduced by unskilled labour."

Open mike night presents Sadie Cohen. Summer's almost over

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

You're dead to me, Marsha. And that's just the way I like it."

"The bad news is that I backed into a fan. The good news is my owner's a plumber."

A Punch and Judy Professor is visited by Death as a puppet.

Man needs to buy excuse for missing work from vending machine.

'My god! Have you seen the size of this chiropodist's bill?!!'

"I'm excited to get fixed at the vet, had no idea I was broken."

'Waiter, there's a hairball in my soup, too.'

At the mobile tracking test lab.

'Would you say your glass is half empty or half full?' 'Whose round is it?'

"He's starting to flag a bit"

"...and in conclusion..."

"Must we have ten minutes blasphemy every night?"

Teacher's sign in Philosophy class reads: 'Think', Sign in Science class reads 'Thunk' as student falls over.

"The doc says I won't even make it another 45 years."

"The world revolves around my cat."

"Maybe if we had better teachers we could learn new tricks."

Jane and Tarzan's wedding.

C'mon boy, speak! Speak!

'Bernie, you're not gonna have anything disgusting to hurl at zoo visitors if you forget this.'

'Great! You mean it's obedience school prom season already!'

"Mr. Sherman, you hired our team of management consultants to stremline your enterprise, and that is precisely what we are doing."

A parrot business meeting

Have you seen Dorothy lately? She's sooo over the rainbow!

"Every five minutes it's 'feed me this, get me that' or something along those lines, I mean, I'm parrot-phrasing."

Nature gave some animals weak eyes for a good reason. Never buy your pet rhino bifocals.

"You'll be in charge of the music down here."

Fido phones

"Ya know, it wouldn’t kill you to bark."

Death reads a bedtime story.