Humorist With A Spade Gifts

'I'm letting it lie fallow this year.'

Honest Vending

"Try picking up a girl after you've renounced everything."

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

'Your Honor, in order to avoid being sued, we find the defendant 'Not guilty.''

Cut out and keep your own Gardener!

"Good lord, Billingsworth. You've stumbled onto the legendary Lepidopterist Graveyard."

"If there is a heaven, why do we end up as fossil fuel?"

"In mitigation, Sunny Chemicals would like to point out that prior to contracting his skin allergy, Mr Crumb was already ugly."

"I think, therefore I am depressed."

'In case of emergency, break glass.'

"While you were on vacation, Zooker, a motion was made and seconded to saw five and a half inches off your chair legs."

"You have a good lie."

Med. Soc Sec. Can we agree on anything to reduce the deficit other than a bake sale?

A dead Olive found stabbed, in a Cocktail drink

Plant Closed - Downsized Too Far

'Now where did I put my knitting needles?'

'Want a good read Sex, violence, incest, murder Old Testament.'

Man in the stocks on his typewriter.

'Was this eye of newt locally sourced?'

"My records show we sent your bonus. Have you looked on your roof?"

"Could you put me 'on hold' Mom? I could use a hug."

'Hey, he's just some guy from the neighborhood -- and you know what Chicago neighborhoods are like!'

Ernie got up on the wrong side of the garden bed again.

Genetically Modified Apples

'We operate on the point system here. When you see something go wrong, point at whoever you think is to blame.'

'I don't know. . . Nobody has ever requested a doggy bag before. . .'

"The kids of today catch on so quickly, Ted! Remember how long it took US to master the finer points of crony capitalism?"

"You may be more familiar with her maiden name, Kelly, Grace Kelly."

Customers seek Alyssum in Garden Centre.

'Don't make me use my chemical weapons...'

"Now that the kids and grandkids are grown I can get back to more erotic embroidery."

Christian Motorcyclists Association

'I'm an artistic genius, I bet no-one has ever painted a plain old bowl of fruit.'

Witch Rowing Team