Humorist With A Gavel Gifts

'Your Honor, in order to avoid being sued, we find the defendant 'Not guilty.''

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

Indian rajah rowing elephant in a monsoon flood.

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

Clown on bike.

"Gee, thanks pal."

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

'Eat less. Drink less. Be merry more.'

Welcome to Mauritius Home of the Dodo Burger

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

Honest Vending

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

'What was that?!' 'A 'Mach'-ing bird.'

"He was the one everyone called 'The Greatest.' Then one day, a stranger turned up in town."

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

Frank & Ernie's Diner. Today: Yogurt Surprise. We call it "yogurt surprise" because we couldn't read the expiration date on the carton.

"I see the White House didn't lower the flag to half staff."

'I don't think the employees like me.'

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

'Mr. Dunbarter, your fantasy that 'greed is good' may be a case of economic insanity.'

'He doesn't like people walking in - try crawling.'

"So, like, don't make any big plans for this weekend."

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

"That's not a knife crime initiative. That's a knife crime initiative!"

'I'm going to have an out-of-body experience -- can I bring you anything?'

"Try picking up a girl after you've renounced everything."