Quizzical Humorist Gifts

Baseball player NY Yankee - being interviewed while wearing 3-D prescription glasses.

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

Indian rajah rowing elephant in a monsoon flood.

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

"Gee, thanks pal."

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

Welcome to Mauritius Home of the Dodo Burger

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"I said slime."

Glance Exchange

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

Optimist

"It's just a tree."

"I see the White House didn't lower the flag to half staff."

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."