Humor-loving Jurist Gifts

Computer questionning a witness.

"Do you have a good attorney or a bad attorney?"

"Not guilty?"

"This is my client's videotaped deposition—please be considerate and rewind after viewing."

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

'He's not called the 'Hanging About Judge' for nothing.'

'No need to text me the answer to that. I'm right here.'

"Impartiality becomes you."

Antonin Scalia

"I should have been a lawyer. I'm great at ambulance chasing!"

"Can you hear me now?"

"In view of the new evidence, my client would like to change his plea to 'guilty-ish', M'Lud."

Judge

'They profiled me just because I'm a bank robber!'

'Hello. Law offices of Anderson, Avery, Baer, Barton, Baston, Caggly, Cooper ... drat, who comes after Cooper?'

"Your Honor, the witness, in my opinion, has failed to establish credibility."

"I thought I'd try a Marie Antoinette for a change."

'Do you think I would even be here if my client were guilty?'

"O.K., O.K., house arrest."

"You want the truth, the whole truth, or nothing but the truth?"

Dreary counsel sending the judge and jury to sleep

"We all make mistakes, as Your Honor knows, having been twice reprimanded by the New York State Commission on Juridical Conduct."

'We find the defendant guilty, the defense a showboater and the DA a legal mal-practitioner.'

'The defendant and the witnesses were bad enough, but then the JURY got hostile.'

'Yeah, I shot the guy, but only because I was misled by my advisors.'

'After living together for ten years, we now realize that the only thing we have in common, is common law.'

'I'm part of the drug culture. All I ask is that you respect cultural diversity.'

'Overruled. Now answer the question. We could all use a good laugh.'

'My client was unaware that going to school was against the rules your Honour: Mary made him do it...'

"It only takes one barrister, but there must be a solicitor present."

'Do you promise to tell the truth?'

'If you wanted me to be cooperative, why did you appoint a lawyer for me?'

'Act crazy and maybe we can get you off on the grounds of diminished responsibility.' 'But I only wanted you to check this contract for me!'

'We're making you partner since you'd be easier to indict.'