Humor Healers Gifts

'It's hop,hop,skip,rattle,rattle. Remember, the second rattle is the difference between curing jungle fever or just relieving the patient of uncomfortable gas.'

Self help acupuncture

'...I already have 26 cats, why not 27...'

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

"It does have a side effect. You'll faint when I tell you how much it will cost to produce."

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

'Goodness, no Doctor, my husband is not calling you any insulting names. He's a duck and that's the only word he knows.'

"And as soon as he's on the mend,we'll get the physiotherapist in here with a ball of twine."

Man is stopped from entering doctor's surgery by a receptionist dressed as a bouncer.

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

"The first one's just a warning."

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

"Barking sometimes helps me relax. But then it drives the neighbors crazy."

Surgeon finds a doohickey on the patient's thingamabob.

"What do I do to relieve stress? I meditate, about not working here."

Medical Building Directory: Dr. Larry Nix, Dr. Sally Putty, etc..

'The problem is, she's so damn crabby.'

"The tests confirms you have short-term memory loss."

Cardiac Recovery.

'No, Mr. Simmons, your MR images aren't in yet. We have older equipment, which takes a little longer to process.'

"Instead of years of therapy, I decided to go for chocolate."

"That's an awfully large small intestine and an awfully small large intestine."

"I won't stick my tongue out. You told me it was rude."

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

"No, I won't write your prescription legibly...you'd just google it and ask a lot of dumb questions."

'Believe me, Mr, Hart, Laughter really is the best medicine,'

MEDICAL SCHOOL, 'I didn't know you COULD specialize in insurance.'

"I keep on getting these feelings of love, peace and empathy..."

"All my symptoms are old ... "

'Reflexes seem normal. You kept him waiting over two hours.'

Virtual Doctor

'That reminds me of the blind date I had last weekend!'

"We need to update your entire operating system."

'Hah! The joke's on you — I already thought up a second opinion!'