Humane Chef Gifts

"The lobster dinner is thirty eight dollars, or for ten dollars extra you can have him returned to the sea."

'Enjoy your meal! We grow everything ourselves!'

Raw food, after you leave for work.

'I'm a vegetarian.' - 'If it's so wrong to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?'

'May future generations forgive you for eating that sausage...'

The Velvet Mesquite

Barbecue raises a cloud of smoke; birds and squirrel in tree above wear gas masks.

"Is that all they taught him at obedience school? How to use a can opener?"

"If man is my best friend, why is he giving me this crap to eat?"

"Why... are there so many people who never eat pork? Because we have some excellent PR people working on our behalf."

"Pretty good dog, huh, Larry?"

'And since this product consists of 100% artificial ingredients, we can truthfully say it's vegan!'

"We need to put in more bones."

The Rabbit Meeting.

Homemade dog biscuits.

"I told the cook I would prefer that she use some kind of artificial blackbird substitute."

"You're spoiling that dog again!"

'May I have two containers - fish for my cat, meat for the dog...vegetables divided as follows, one-fourth for the cat, three-fourths for the dog, but no carrots for the cat - kitty doesn't like carrots...'

"So, what's it to be, chicken unfit for human consumption, or beef unfit for human consumption?"

Recipes.

Dog Food Pyramid. Meat. Scraps.

"For this dish we'll need to sauté the onion with the week-old, moldy, ant-covered French fry over medium heat. Then, we lightly flash boil our dehydrated mouse..."

"I cook everything with an alternative energy source, so it may take a while."

"I love fruit."

'I'm taking the leftovers home, so suggest something my dog will enjoy.'

"After going vegan, replacing all the animal heads just made sense."

"Apparently we're reared by people who share the values of the people who eat us."

'Our approach is so humane we're even letting young Colin here take a gap year.'

Commie Chef.

"Let's see . . . I detect beef . . . peas . . . and a subtle hint of sweet potato!"

Where we get veggie burgers

"Omigod! It's the breakfast I made him for his birthday!"

'Fruits, vegetables, meat, eggs and cooked beans! He gets a better dinner than I do!'

"As a dog he's incredible. As a chef he's just okay."

"I know it's made of tofu, Paul, but you're missing the point."