Humane Chef T-Shirts

"The lobster dinner is thirty eight dollars, or for ten dollars extra you can have him returned to the sea."

'Enjoy your meal! We grow everything ourselves!'

Raw food, after you leave for work.

'I'm a vegetarian.' - 'If it's so wrong to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?'

'May future generations forgive you for eating that sausage...'

The Velvet Mesquite

Barbecue raises a cloud of smoke; birds and squirrel in tree above wear gas masks.

"Is that all they taught him at obedience school? How to use a can opener?"

"If man is my best friend, why is he giving me this crap to eat?"

"Pretty good dog, huh, Larry?"

"Why... are there so many people who never eat pork? Because we have some excellent PR people working on our behalf."

Homemade dog biscuits.

"We need to put in more bones."

"You're spoiling that dog again!"

'And since this product consists of 100% artificial ingredients, we can truthfully say it's vegan!'

"I told the cook I would prefer that she use some kind of artificial blackbird substitute."

The Rabbit Meeting.

"So, what's it to be, chicken unfit for human consumption, or beef unfit for human consumption?"

"For this dish we'll need to sauté the onion with the week-old, moldy, ant-covered French fry over medium heat. Then, we lightly flash boil our dehydrated mouse..."

Recipes.

'May I have two containers - fish for my cat, meat for the dog...vegetables divided as follows, one-fourth for the cat, three-fourths for the dog, but no carrots for the cat - kitty doesn't like carrots...'

"I cook everything with an alternative energy source, so it may take a while."

"I love fruit."

Commie Chef.

"Let's see . . . I detect beef . . . peas . . . and a subtle hint of sweet potato!"

"After going vegan, replacing all the animal heads just made sense."

'Our approach is so humane we're even letting young Colin here take a gap year.'

"Apparently we're reared by people who share the values of the people who eat us."

'I'm taking the leftovers home, so suggest something my dog will enjoy.'

'Fruits, vegetables, meat, eggs and cooked beans! He gets a better dinner than I do!'

"I know it's made of tofu, Paul, but you're missing the point."

"Our fish are caught wild and never battered, at least while they're still alive."

"As a dog he's incredible. As a chef he's just okay."