Human Resources Specialist Gifts

". . . So what's with bosses these days? It seems like I can never find a good one."

"Wentworth, could I take another look at that reorganization plan?"

"The bunny did not get the job because the bunny is cute. The bunny got the job because the bunny knows WordPerfect."

Target setting: 'What about 38%, we haven't used 38% for a while.'

'...the job is so much harder when you don't know what you are doing.'

Employee performance review software.

'Right, now that a relationship of trust has been established, let's get down to business, shall we ?'

'Money won't make you happy, Waldron, so instead of a raise, I'm giving you prozac.'

'We need to get an equal pay expert in...'

"Give me a couple years, and I can answer your simple question about the new regulations."

'This is gonna be one of those teamwork talks, isn't it?'

'The organizational structure is pretty simple: We do the work; they take the credit.'

'We no longer look at résumés. We go straight to your Facebook page.'

'Ok, here's the meeting agenda ... it's gonna be a long one.'

"This design has been instrumental in employee retention."

'Sorry I fired you, Maggie. I got my husband's testosterone patches mixed up with my estrogen patches.'

'Asynchronous, collaborative, interactive - we're obviously on a roll.'

'Where do you see yourself in five years? Still looking for work?'

"And, finally, are you now or have you ever been disgruntled?"

'We're extending an offer of employment to you contingent upon the results of a drug test, psychological consultation...'

"Hope you don't mind - I've brought in a body-language interpreter."

'The management look forward to hearing your thoughts on our exponential strategy for organic enlargement.'

'My first mistake was hiring you. My second mistake was not firing you. My third mistake is going to be throwing you out the window.'

'We can manage this is we work 24/7 and no one takes a holiday.'

Goldilocks Human Resources...Over qualified...Under qualified...Just right!

"...But of course we'll still be friends on Facebook!"

'Your resume is quite impressive. However, I'm a little concerned about you biting your last four bosses.'

"It's from your 'optimise your time' trainer...he's double booked and won't be coming"

New employee has been waiting over eight years to be given job description.

Owl and the Pushy Cat

'All I ask for is an unfair advantage.'

'I need you to sign and initial both of these. The one on the right is your annual review. The other one is a restraining order.'

'Mr. Gelt's performance critiques tend to be ad hoc.'

It's a new government directive requiring us to be 58% more cheerful within 18 months.

'You're a credit to this firm, Miss Button and through no fault of your own you're also a liability.'