Human Resources Personnel Gifts

"Can I put in a claim for interview trauma compensation?"

'We don't discriminate per se - we just don't hire Lyle Lovett lookalikes.'

"The job will demand a touch of crazy, but no experience is necessary...we'll train you!"

"Here's the brain-teaser of the day: If an outsourced part-time temp falls in the hall, does anyone hear it?"

Why do you need so many computers?

"It's about your timesheet, it says you've only done one day this year!"

Appointments and Disappointments

'I'm willing to pay a hiring bonus to anyone who will hire me.'

Personnel,' Possible candidates'-'That'll be the day'.

Office worker to another: 'We use the term 'human resources' pretty loosely around here.'

"Morning, all!"

"Some good news for a change. I'm being outsourced to the Hamptons."

"So I take it that having your head cryogenically frozen accounts for the thirty-five year gap in employment?"

"I just love these casual fridays."

'Here on your application it says you have narcolepsy. What exactly is that?'

"The customer is always right. . . even if she is your sister."

"We need to talk about your focus."

"I emigrated from India for a better life. Now my job is being outsourced back to India!"

Attack of the Happy New Years Zombies

"You are doing an excellent job, Peeters. I'm very pleased with your work. There is just one thing I would like you to change..."

"You want to become enlightened?"

Suggestion Box Finger

Mission to Mars. Astronaut Candidate Interviews. You think you'd be a good morale officer? The voyage to Mars and back is 100 million miles. I turn "miles" into "smiles"!

When job hunting, your age will get in the way - but only if you place it centre stage.

'This next part is important. Can you say, ‘putting people before profits' - three times fast - without laughing?'

'I've drawn up a health and safety policy for the company.'

'Our retirement program is that you can resign whenever you want to.'

'You remind me of myself when I was your age...you're fired!'

Theater Now Hiring Ushers. I'd be perfect! I love to put people in their place.

'I hope you're not threatened by powerful women, because you're fired.'

"Another week another dollar, Jenkins"

"So what kind of mood is he in?"

"The good news is you’re the only one we’re not firing ... the bad news is you’re the only one to run the department."

'Noticeboard? I forgot it was there to be honest.'

"I wonder if A.I. will inevitably become as tired and depressed as we are."