Human Resources Professional Gifts

"You had good intentions. Let's find you a nice job paving roads."

'They tell me you're quiet intuitive.'

'How long have you been unemployed? I have never seen a resume prepared in needlepoint.'

Well, the doctor confirmed that it's not Rosacea.

"You'll work nights and the pay is garbage."

'I'm confident that with the right mix of role-playing exercises and prescription medication we'll make a cohesive team.'

"Sorry, you are simply not the right man for the job."

'Someone important is bound to see my resume now!'

'Refresh my memory, Ms. Hamish. Which little square am I - on the organizational chart?'

Management is all about...

'...and whose idea was it to ask for employee feedback?'

"We don't pay you less because you're a woman.. we pay you less because we're men!"

'Of course, the first rule of effective management is active participation.'

"What made this guy stand out?" "He applied."

Employee Recognition Program

I need someone who'll ask the tough questions, no matter how risky.

"We want you to be more creative...more imaginative in your work...and this is how we want you to do it!"

'Of course, this plan requires that you all work for free.'

"Based on your resume you're not really qualified for the job...but there's just something about you I like!"

"You look far too relaxed. Around here you're expected to stress for success."

'We value emotional intelligence over regular old intelligence, so there's still some hope for you.'

"Besides caring too much? I'd probably have to go with Kryptonite."

'You'll like it here, Clayton. In fact it's one of our rules.'

"Jump!" Performance management.

"Number four wasn't bad, at least he removed his personal CD earphones for most of the interview."

'As you know, George, we female C.E.O.'s use a collaborative management style. With that in mind, how would you prefer to be fired?'

"I really believe my research abilities would be an asset to whatever this company is called."

Giving Feedback

'Who wants to work late again, raise your hands.'

'But APART from increased profitability, better customer support, enhanced margins, reduced stress and improved staff morale WHAT is the POINT of all this emphasis on increased PRODUCTIVITY?'

"I've discovered a sinister side to employee empowerment. It's called accountability!"

"Encouraging dissent is a good way of finding out who the traitors are."

"Did you understand any of that?" "Only the blah! blah! bit."

"...and I'm proficient in two languages ? English and text messaging."

Interviewee: 'Nah, work related stress isn't a problem - I've never taken a job seriously enough for it to bother me!'