Human Resources Professional Pillows

"You had good intentions. Let's find you a nice job paving roads."

'They tell me you're quiet intuitive.'

'How long have you been unemployed? I have never seen a resume prepared in needlepoint.'

"You'll work nights and the pay is garbage."

Well, the doctor confirmed that it's not Rosacea.

'I'm confident that with the right mix of role-playing exercises and prescription medication we'll make a cohesive team.'

"Sorry, you are simply not the right man for the job."

'Someone important is bound to see my resume now!'

Management is all about...

'Refresh my memory, Ms. Hamish. Which little square am I - on the organizational chart?'

"We don't pay you less because you're a woman.. we pay you less because we're men!"

"Your MBA and PHD are impressive but what concerns me is your low number of Facebook friends."

'...and whose idea was it to ask for employee feedback?'

'Of course, the first rule of effective management is active participation.'

"What made this guy stand out?" "He applied."

Employee Recognition Program

I need someone who'll ask the tough questions, no matter how risky.

"We want you to be more creative...more imaginative in your work...and this is how we want you to do it!"

'Of course, this plan requires that you all work for free.'

"Based on your resume you're not really qualified for the job...but there's just something about you I like!"

Pretzel Co: 'Tell me...why should we hire you?'

'This is Bob - our secret agent of change.'

'We value emotional intelligence over regular old intelligence, so there's still some hope for you.'

"You look far too relaxed. Around here you're expected to stress for success."

"Jump!" Performance management.

"Number four wasn't bad, at least he removed his personal CD earphones for most of the interview."

'You'll like it here, Clayton. In fact it's one of our rules.'

"Besides caring too much? I'd probably have to go with Kryptonite."

"I really believe my research abilities would be an asset to whatever this company is called."

'As you know, George, we female C.E.O.'s use a collaborative management style. With that in mind, how would you prefer to be fired?'

Giving Feedback

'Who wants to work late again, raise your hands.'

'But APART from increased profitability, better customer support, enhanced margins, reduced stress and improved staff morale WHAT is the POINT of all this emphasis on increased PRODUCTIVITY?'

"Did you understand any of that?" "Only the blah! blah! bit."

"I've discovered a sinister side to employee empowerment. It's called accountability!"