Human Resource Professional Pillows

'We're not looking for someone with good leadership qualities so much as we're looking for someone with good herding instincts.'

"Alan, looking at our plans don't you think your team might need a little more thought?"

"Our disciplinary action process has made positive strides, but still has a long way to go."

'Just the usual bills. Business rates,electricity, phone...unfair dismissal claims.'

"You have an excellent CV Mr Steinmann - but the bottom line is you're a bunny rabbit."

'Stress management? Management is responsible for the stress in the first place!'

Suggest box leads to resignation box

'It says in your resume that you're a 'take charge' type?'

"They pay well but they expect a lot from you."

"Damnit, Harwood, I'm not doing an impression of anyone, I'm firing you."

'You've been found guilty of sexual harassment and hereby ordered to kiss and make up.'

'Here's a job for you, oil rig engineer. You start at the top and work yourself down.'

'Do you work well under pressure?'

'The Good News is that I'm putting you in charge of the team!...'

"I busted unions for 30 years until the company tossed me out without a pension."

"Truth is, Howard, I would have fired you years ago, but I was always afraid the donut shop across the street would go out of business if I did!"

'To encourage more exercise among our employees, all our escalators operate backwards.'

"Tell me, where do you expect to be texting incessantly in five years?"

"Apropos your request for a salary increase, we're going to have you appraised."

'What bothers me about these meetings is even though it's work, I have the nagging feeling I ought to leave and get back to work.'

"You've got your corner office, so what more do you want?"

'I hope you're not threatened by powerful women, because you're fired.'

"Remember the golden rule: more buzzwords, less real words."

"Another week another dollar, Jenkins"

"So what kind of mood is he in?"

"The good news is you’re the only one we’re not firing ... the bad news is you’re the only one to run the department."

'Noticeboard? I forgot it was there to be honest.'

"Stock options for your thoughts."

"My email is down... talk to me."

"This is a merit-based organization! Can't you see I’ve hired the very best and most qualified yes-men money can buy?"

"This position has become very important to the company."

"I wonder if A.I. will inevitably become as tired and depressed as we are."

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

Businesswoman Empowerment

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."