Hr Management Gifts

"So we're agreed then - there's no need to make any changes to our equal opportunities employment policies."

Help wanted. Various positions available.

'Well, if you consider normal corporate surveillance, interrogation, and harassment 'union-busting,', nothing I have to say will change your mind.'

'I see from your CV you're all things to all men.'

Counting part time employees is the new math.

'Tell me do we actually employ anybody who isn't a protected species ?'

'How would you feel about working in a small pond?'

'Thanks for coming in. Whoever gets the job will call you next week and let you know our decision.'

"My secretary will take charge of removing chairs, and eventually there will be just one of you left..."

"Don't you DARE argue with me you ***(****) or I'll **** your ****."

"I'm beginning to have serious doubts about the efficiency of those psychological job-placement tests."

"With so many applicants for a few jobs, we can lower the pay and drop the benefits!"

Make sure your CV stands out for the right reasons....

'These part-time, no-benefits, temporary employees have the uncanny ability to disappear at will.'

'The 873 people I laid off prove I'm a people person.'

'There are probably hundreds of people out there who could have the job but I think we've got the right person.'

"Would you like something you're under qualified for, or something you're overqualified for?"

'There's a lot of evidence that people respond to 'shock' ads.'

"You're invited to our management excursion. Come dresses as a pinata."

'Why is it that nothing ever gets done at these meetings?'

'The 'insourcing' will go ahead and some jobs will be off to Leeds or Manchester, but I think I'll be safe...'

'I hope you're not threatened by powerful women, because you're fired.'

"Bert, I'm confused. What happens after we circle the wagons, tighten our belts and walk a mile in our customer's shoes? Is that when the chickens come home to roost?"

"Another week another dollar, Jenkins"

"So what kind of mood is he in?"

'You forget, I'm a blackbelt in powerpoint.'

'Surely you wouldn't want me to laugh at your joke if I didn't think it was funny!'

'Noticeboard? I forgot it was there to be honest.'

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

Businesswoman Empowerment

'We've set the bar quite high at this company. It helps us control bonuses.'

'It's a chart of office morale. This is where you went on vacation.'

'I'll be late for dinner, dear. I'm up to my neck in paperwork.'

'You could be a constant inspiration for us to come up with a plan to get a leg up on our competition...you're hired!'

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....