Human Resources Management Gifts

"Human Resources wants to know if you still wish to identify with the gender on your birth certificate."

"I've organised training on dealing with poverty, homelessness, stress management and powerlessness."

"You're invited to our management excursion. Come dresses as a pinata."

'Why is it that nothing ever gets done at these meetings?'

'The 'insourcing' will go ahead and some jobs will be off to Leeds or Manchester, but I think I'll be safe...'

'I hope you're not threatened by powerful women, because you're fired.'

"Another week another dollar, Jenkins"

"Bert, I'm confused. What happens after we circle the wagons, tighten our belts and walk a mile in our customer's shoes? Is that when the chickens come home to roost?"

"So what kind of mood is he in?"

"The good news is you’re the only one we’re not firing ... the bad news is you’re the only one to run the department."

'You forget, I'm a blackbelt in powerpoint.'

'Surely you wouldn't want me to laugh at your joke if I didn't think it was funny!'

'Noticeboard? I forgot it was there to be honest.'

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

"I wonder if A.I. will inevitably become as tired and depressed as we are."

Businesswoman Empowerment

'We've set the bar quite high at this company. It helps us control bonuses.'

'It's a chart of office morale. This is where you went on vacation.'

'I'll be late for dinner, dear. I'm up to my neck in paperwork.'

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

'You could be a constant inspiration for us to come up with a plan to get a leg up on our competition...you're hired!'

IN box...OUT is wastepaper basket on fire.

"I don't want a G.O.A.T, I want a S.C.A.P.E.G.O.A.T."

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

'And remember to emphasize we're giving them the opportunity to find a better job.'

"It's clear to me that you want to go far with this company."

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

"Clear my schedule for the next five minutes. I feel the need for some spontaneous frivolity."

'Yes, I know there's a deadline on this project.'

'Our parents were replaced by machines - We'll be replaced with new software.'

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

"So, tell me a little bit more about this house training you mention on your CV."

'The efficiency expert's recommendation is we drink more coffee!'

"Shall we start with an icebreaker?"

The Department of Blind-Side Bias, Knowledge Gaps and Really Great Coffee.