Human Resources Managers Gifts

"We don't fire people here, Thompson, we tag them and release them into the wild."

'What I lack in cognitive flexibility, I make up for in moral flexibility.'

Joan hits the glass ceiling: 'Sorry, but I've decided to go with Wally of Arc...'

"Where we lack in productivity is made up by extremely low employee turnover."

"The aspirin there is your medical benefit and here is your vision benefit."

"And, as if that wasn't enough, we absolutely do not lay off anyone."

"Of course there is still a lot of stigma attached to being undead, I hardly ever get past the interview stage."

"Sorry, coffee is delivered by a union shop and you banned all things union."

"Well, we tried the carrot and stick approach. Get rid of the carrot."

"I can handle a wide variety of work. In fact I've had ten different jobs in four months."

"No experience preferred...we will train!"

Johnson, Johnson, Johnson, Johnson & Johnson An Equal Opportunity Employer.

Equal opportunities inspector "I hear he got his job because he knew someone"

Jenkins, Gridley, Pembroke & Wynn: Dysfunctional Behavior

'I think I can find a position for you...how about missionary?'

Jeff hated performance reviews.

'There's a lot of evidence that people respond to 'shock' ads.'

Hindering Holiday Harassment

"You're invited to our management excursion. Come dresses as a pinata."

'Why is it that nothing ever gets done at these meetings?'

'The 'insourcing' will go ahead and some jobs will be off to Leeds or Manchester, but I think I'll be safe...'

'I hope you're not threatened by powerful women, because you're fired.'

"Bert, I'm confused. What happens after we circle the wagons, tighten our belts and walk a mile in our customer's shoes? Is that when the chickens come home to roost?"

"Another week another dollar, Jenkins"

"The good news is you’re the only one we’re not firing ... the bad news is you’re the only one to run the department."

"So what kind of mood is he in?"

'You forget, I'm a blackbelt in powerpoint.'

'Surely you wouldn't want me to laugh at your joke if I didn't think it was funny!'

'Noticeboard? I forgot it was there to be honest.'

Businesswoman Empowerment

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

"I wonder if A.I. will inevitably become as tired and depressed as we are."

'We've set the bar quite high at this company. It helps us control bonuses.'

'It's a chart of office morale. This is where you went on vacation.'

'I'll be late for dinner, dear. I'm up to my neck in paperwork.'