Hr Manager Gifts

'I was just ringing to see if you received the letter about the e-mails I sent you?'

"You said I'd be part of a team."

"It's a full-blown empathy attack!. . . help me sneak him out of here before this thing spreads through the entire company!"

"You're fired, Withron. I got a terrific deal on a handful of ballpoints."

'So I looked at your Facebook page...oh man...there's no way you're getting this job!'

'You are here.'

"When I said to convince him of the need for change I was hoping you'd use the seductive power of reason and logic."

'You do as you're told, we pay as we please...That, in a nutshell, is our corporate culture.'

"I'm going to need a little more for the root cause than, who'da thunk."

"Any other strengths?"

'Nobody turned up to the 'effective communications' seminar...they didn't get our memo.'

'For some strange reason personnel want us to review our equal opportunities employment policies!'

'We're wondering whether you'd fit into our corporate culture!'

'We found the donut to be more of an incentive for him.'

Panel discussion: absenteeism in the workplace.

'My strength lies in my ability to deny my weaknesses.'

"We're still the same, great company we've always been, only we've ceased to exist."

'So we're agreed: we'll go to mediation.'

'Now we're going to stay here until we reach our safety goal!'

'Pick a contract...any contract!'

Standardisation: "I don't understand...it fitted us OK!"

Commitment to Cultural Diversity

'I shan't be in today - I'm in bed with a nasty bug.'

They laid off half the staff and installed a mirror, hoping no one would notice.

"According to the survey,retention is helped by training and money...There's no mention of chaining staff to their desks."

"Jump!" Performance management.

Bo're'droom

'The new hidden cameras will allow us to see if anyone is violating our privacy policy by reading someone else's email.'

'What if, and I know this sounds kooky, we communicated with the employees.'

'This merger will cut jobs 40%, reduce salaries 30% and increase the work hours 25%. Your job is to make this look like the best thing that ever happened to our employees.'

'I believe the courts have recently ruled that asking questions of an applicant, during an interview, is illegal.'

'Oh!...You did dress up for the interview.'

'We reorganized so many times we are now one of our own subsidiaries.'

"You mean all those part time, temporary, no-benefits employees quit??? Where's that old fashioned company loyalty?"

'We've worked out an answer...what was the question?'