Hr Insider Gifts

"If you want to know if you got the job or not, you'll want to go to www.Not-in-a-Million-Years.com. The answer will be posted there."

"Remember the golden rule: more buzzwords, less real words."

I'm looking for employees who have their own unique way of seeing things my way.

"Another job well done by your conflict resolution specialist."

"Boy, am I glad they finally hired more staff!"

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

"'Quid pro quo' is a no-no, Bradbury. Around here we say 'reciprocal altruism'."

'Our parents were replaced by machines - We'll be replaced with new software.'

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'

We should take a break. Ron's eyes have turned into spinning rainbow wheels.

How leaders fail

Outer Space Outsourcing

"I realize we had to liquidate some assets, but don't you think I'd be more productive if I had a desk?"

"If this goes badly I'm going to post it on my youtube job interview bloopers channel."

'Had I known Hell was going to be exactly like work, I probably wouldn''t have spent as much time there.'

'Senior management wanted me to raise morale so I made Lionel from accounts 'office jester'!'

"That report on corporate redundancy... I'd like it in triplicate."

'Salaries Manager. No.'

'Mr. Dawson, about when I said 'don't pull any punches'...'

'What's wrong now?'

"I just want you to know that promotion, this office, and those Luna bars were mine!"

The Evolution of the Bonus

"The meeting will last until lunch, or hell freezes over, whichever is longer."

"Would anyone like to question my downsizing proposal?"

"Why do you need so many computers?" "One for billing, one for stock control, one for human resources, one for financial management..."

'Recent studies in primate colonies suggest that organizational performance can be improved by replacing complicated financial incentives with bananas.'

'Here's another one that'll make you blow your stack.'

"I appreciate your devices that make it seem like you're paying attention, but could you actually pay attention and make eye contact so I know you are?"

'We've just become the biggest corporation in America.. let's celebrate today and begin downsizing tomorrow.'

'It's 930am ma'am - time to meet the Board of Detractors.'

Even more of what people say (and what they really mean)

Late/Too Late.

"This is Briggs, our new department head. He's got an amazing knack for reducing complex problems into easy-to-understand witch hunts!"

"And best of all, it comes fully loaded!"