Hr Insider Gifts

"If you want to know if you got the job or not, you'll want to go to www.Not-in-a-Million-Years.com. The answer will be posted there."

"Remember the golden rule: more buzzwords, less real words."

"Another job well done by your conflict resolution specialist."

"Boy, am I glad they finally hired more staff!"

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

"'Quid pro quo' is a no-no, Bradbury. Around here we say 'reciprocal altruism'."

'Our parents were replaced by machines - We'll be replaced with new software.'

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'

How leaders fail

"If this goes badly I'm going to post it on my youtube job interview bloopers channel."

"I realize we had to liquidate some assets, but don't you think I'd be more productive if I had a desk?"

Outer Space Outsourcing

'Had I known Hell was going to be exactly like work, I probably wouldn''t have spent as much time there.'

'Senior management wanted me to raise morale so I made Lionel from accounts 'office jester'!'

'Salaries Manager. No.'

"That report on corporate redundancy... I'd like it in triplicate."

'What's wrong now?'

The Evolution of the Bonus

"I just want you to know that promotion, this office, and those Luna bars were mine!"

"The meeting will last until lunch, or hell freezes over, whichever is longer."

"Would anyone like to question my downsizing proposal?"

"Why do you need so many computers?" "One for billing, one for stock control, one for human resources, one for financial management..."

'Recent studies in primate colonies suggest that organizational performance can be improved by replacing complicated financial incentives with bananas.'

"And best of all, it comes fully loaded!"

"This is Briggs, our new department head. He's got an amazing knack for reducing complex problems into easy-to-understand witch hunts!"

'It's 930am ma'am - time to meet the Board of Detractors.'

"I appreciate your devices that make it seem like you're paying attention, but could you actually pay attention and make eye contact so I know you are?"

'We've just become the biggest corporation in America.. let's celebrate today and begin downsizing tomorrow.'

Late/Too Late.

Even more of what people say (and what they really mean)

"Not to brag or anything, but I'm the elephant in the room at my company."

'Here's another one that'll make you blow your stack.'