Hr Representatives Gifts

'So you want a transfer from light fittings.'

'What bothers me about these meetings is even though it's work, I have the nagging feeling I ought to leave and get back to work.'

'The 'insourcing' will go ahead and some jobs will be off to Leeds or Manchester, but I think I'll be safe...'

"You've got your corner office, so what more do you want?"

"Remember the golden rule: more buzzwords, less real words."

No, I didn't know they were going to cut the office furniture budget in half.

"This position has become very important to the company."

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

"Stock options for your thoughts."

"My email is down... talk to me."

Businesswoman Empowerment

"This is a merit-based organization! Can't you see I’ve hired the very best and most qualified yes-men money can buy?"

'What sort of mission statement is that?'

Brian wanted to call the presentation "Synergy". Paula wanted to call it "Cooperation". They could never agree.

"Well, ordinary men have colleagues. Successful men have victims."

I'm looking for employees who have their own unique way of seeing things my way.

"Give a sh*t" "Don't give a sh*t"

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"Yeah, but that one's a little bit hard to reach."

'That's our mission statement.'

"Boy, am I glad they finally hired more staff!"

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

"Another job well done by your conflict resolution specialist."

'I'm glad you guys could work this out in a reasonable manner.'

So which rung are you on my corporate ladder?

Others will fight for you

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

"'Quid pro quo' is a no-no, Bradbury. Around here we say 'reciprocal altruism'."

Businessman on stilts: 'I had to step over a lot of people to get where I am today.'

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

'Our parents were replaced by machines - We'll be replaced with new software.'

Business books - Who's Who & Who's Downsized sections.

"They decided giving out pink slips was too impersonal. So now they're blue."

21st century water cooler conversations.

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'