Hr Gifts

"Where would we BE without the right DOCUMENTATION...?"

'We'd like to pay you what you're worth, too, Fenstrom. Unfortunately we must conform to the minimum wage law.'

"I'll be in touch if we need somebody with integrity"

New employee has been waiting over eight years to be given job description.

"I got this job based on my tremendous knowledge and work skills. At least that's what my Dad said when he hired me."

'We're looking for someone who can multitask - but not during the interview.'

'You were the best person for the job. That's why you didn't get it.'

"I can see from your résumé that you're a man."

"Let me guess...you had to fire some people today, right?"

Support Group For Employers That Got Their Disciplinary Proceedings Wrong.

'This is the last time we post job openings,'

"But we've been interviewing like this for years...why would we want to change now?"

Interview panel - '...and what makes you the best member of my family for this job?'

'Inadequate, insecure, obsessive lacking in empathy or commitment...excellent, when can you start?'

'I understand you don't have a resume but you do have your pedigree papers?'

"Actually, we don't have any openings. I'm just interviewing to keep my skills sharp."

"I hope it indicates a quick promotion."

'Your standardized test scores are impressive, but we have no standardized jobs.'

'Trust Me, I'm in HR.'

'So you don't think generously subsidised biscuits will be enough?'

"When the recruitment company said they could get us someone who 'walked on water' I thought it was a figure of speech!"

'There's no way I'm going to be interviewed by a woman!'

'I feel a leader should be approachable.'

"Sorry, but we're looking for someone with more experience."

"We are looking for some new blood, but with the same experience as the old blood."

'Your career is a change management textbook.'

Problem Solver Wanted

'When you look at me do you see a woman or a senior partner?'

'We need to recruit some young MBA people. All of us young turks have become old turkeys.'

"Miss Roberts, would you mind rehiring all 380 employees I fired last week? I've come to realize this company can't function without them."

'Miss Finch, find out what she does over there and offer her twice as much to do it over here.'

"Of course we employ the disabled. Halve the staff here are not able to get to work on time, the rest are not able to focus on the job."

"Before I give you my resume, I'd like to know how thorough you fact check."

"You don't have the right experience, or education, but we're most impressed with your bilateral symmetry."

"This is what we call a 'customer', or more accurately a 'potential profit centre.'"