Hospital Stay Gifts

"We're doing everything we can to make him comfortable, short of dressing up as male doctors."

Good News, Bad News - Save the Leg.

'Well at least your washing up arm is O.K!'

'Look dear - it's a get-well-or-else card from the insurance company.'

'I would have been here sooner if not for a wonderful caring nurse in the hospital.'

'I'm not a visitor - just next in line for that bed when you've done with it.'

"Too early to tell if the treatment works, but I'm feeling nauseously optimistic."

'It's nothing that a few stem cells and 75 years of research can't fix.'

'85% recover with no complications, 60% of the remaining 15% will have a slower recovery rate, and the remaining 40% of the 15% may need additional treatment.'

Fake Near-death Kit.

"John says you've all been compassionate and caring! Would you please stop... or he'll expect that at home!"

"They also left a pamphlet on the benefits of breast feeding."

"Come quickly—I think I had an out-of-pocket experience."

"Oh, don't mind me..I'm a little early. Just go about your business...pretend I'm not here.

"We find pizza softens the blow of bad news."

'You're looking well.'

'So, for the next three months while your brain is healing, one of our neurology volunteers, Karl, will be helping you think.'

"I'll have someone come in and prep you for the bill."

"Hey, Gramps, is 'deathbed' one word or two?"

'Dying doesn't scare me - it's you people.'

"Your heart is OK, but after all the tests we ran, your bank may need a transplant."

'Death doesn't frighten me, but the night nurse does...'

'Okay, Mom. I'm sorry I re-gifted one of the kidneys you gave me.'

'Just in case I want you to shorten your bucket list down to just one thing you can do in this room.'

'Can I get an order of fries with that?'

'If we gave you nice food you may not want to leave.'

'Talk about high-tech! You'll be getting a pacemaker ipod combo.'

'Your sugar level is off the chart. Don't worry. We'll whip you back into shape in no time.'

'I bought you a book to read. It explains the correct way to fix a roof!'

Leg in a sling 'Are you sure this is the correct treatment for a broken leg?'

'Not feeling well? Don't be silly - your EKG has outperformed the Dow.'

'The good news is that we're going to name the disease after you.'

'HELP! I'm in a hospital!'

"Your medical insurance doesn't cover 'Acts of God' like illness"

"I already know he's gone — it's been on the Internet."