Hospital Stay Gifts

"We're doing everything we can to make him comfortable, short of dressing up as male doctors."

'Well at least your washing up arm is O.K!'

Good News, Bad News - Save the Leg.

'Look dear - it's a get-well-or-else card from the insurance company.'

'I would have been here sooner if not for a wonderful caring nurse in the hospital.'

'I'm not a visitor - just next in line for that bed when you've done with it.'

"Too early to tell if the treatment works, but I'm feeling nauseously optimistic."

'It's nothing that a few stem cells and 75 years of research can't fix.'

'85% recover with no complications, 60% of the remaining 15% will have a slower recovery rate, and the remaining 40% of the 15% may need additional treatment.'

"John says you've all been compassionate and caring! Would you please stop... or he'll expect that at home!"

Fake Near-death Kit.

"They also left a pamphlet on the benefits of breast feeding."

"Come quickly—I think I had an out-of-pocket experience."

"Oh, don't mind me..I'm a little early. Just go about your business...pretend I'm not here.

"We find pizza softens the blow of bad news."

'You're looking well.'

"I'll have someone come in and prep you for the bill."

"Hey, Gramps, is 'deathbed' one word or two?"

'Death doesn't frighten me, but the night nurse does...'

'Okay, Mom. I'm sorry I re-gifted one of the kidneys you gave me.'

'Dying doesn't scare me - it's you people.'

"Your heart is OK, but after all the tests we ran, your bank may need a transplant."

'Just in case I want you to shorten your bucket list down to just one thing you can do in this room.'

'Can I get an order of fries with that?'

"Your medical insurance doesn't cover 'Acts of God' like illness"

Leg in a sling 'Are you sure this is the correct treatment for a broken leg?'

"I already know he's gone — it's been on the Internet."

'Talk about high-tech! You'll be getting a pacemaker ipod combo.'

'I asked him how he was. His last words were, ‘I'm having the time of my life.' I think he was being sarcastic.'

'Not feeling well? Don't be silly - your EKG has outperformed the Dow.'

'I bought you a book to read. It explains the correct way to fix a roof!'

Patients with HMO dread anesthesia.

'The good news is that we're going to name the disease after you.'

'If we gave you nice food you may not want to leave.'

'HELP! I'm in a hospital!'