Hospital Satirist Gifts

'We've upgraded your position from critical to costly.'

'$375 a day, and there's no mint under the pillows?'

'Your wife is in the recovery room which, for your convenience, is located right next to the cashier's office...'

Hospital Food

"Your husband is in very serious condition. He won't even crack a smile."

'You can go home now. We've run out of tests.'

"This is a third-year medical student. To cut costs, your insurance company dismissed the surgeon."

"There's just time for you to sign your paperwork..."

"...And this is Mable, who will assist me with the billing."

Hospital say GPs will manage patients it has told doctors to discharge early.

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

"And I want you to meet Coco, your anesthesiologist."

"Chaplain, the lord should put warning labels on some of his creations."

"I know other hospitals are worried about the superbug, but ours is the only one that understands the accounts system."

Providing Healthcare For All

'But they told me to take her down to theatre...'

'Maybe it is psychosomatic.'

'and remember delivery is free if it happens in a half hour!'

Robodoc... the NHS surgeon of the future.

"She fell down stairs again, so this is her third hip."

"In case something happens during the surgery and you become incapacitated, have you designated someone to make poor life choices on your behalf?"

Virtual Doctor

"He's going to be O.K., but he still wants you to remarry."

Woman in hospital has i.v. attached to plant.

'Oh, believe me -- you don't want to hear it in layman's terms!'

"Sorry, that's not my table."

Downloading Pregnancy

'I had considered a career as an offshore commodities broker specialising in securitised asset transfers but the pension wasn't as good.'

'Let me guess...it's contagious!'

'Wow! That was quite some push Mrs Smith...'

'I think it's damn unprofessional for a dermatologist to scream 'Yikes' like that.'

'The funny part is that the aerial was fine -- the TV set was just unplugged!'

"You'll feel a pinch now and another one when the bill comes."