Hospital Satire Seeker Gifts

'You know how some people are living on borrowed time? I think one of them borrowed it from you.'

'OK, the old one's in my right hand, the donor's in my left. Rght?'

Swiss army hospital...'scalpel...'

Providing Healthcare For All

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

'It's nothing that a few stem cells and 75 years of research can't fix.'

'Sorry, staff shortage.'

STRIP Hambone: Businessman in hospital with his computer

'You seem quieter tonight. Did they give you something to help you relax?'

'I only got up for a drink of water, and a queue's formed next to my bed.'

'Veins...arteries...I told you I can never tell one from another.'

'Well I haven't had a chance to review all your readings in depth, but if I were to be forced to make an educated guess I'd say that your were knackered!'

"She's losing a lot of cream cheese. We're going to have to cut her open."

'I know my instruments are sterilized every day but I have no idea who does it.'

"Last week on 'Top Surgeon' Erica won immunity, while Carl was sent home for killing his patient during routine gallbladder surgery."

'Hi, I'm Dr.Jones. Sorry about my little prank, but it saves us a fortune in enemas.'

Jelly I.V.

"...And this is Mable, who will assist me with the billing."

9 out of 10 doctors recommend keeping their stethoscopes in the freezer.

"Your sins are forgiven, but not your co-pay."

'What's for desert?'

'Sure we're underfunded, but we manage!'

'I'm afraid there's been a 23% cut in the 'empathy and compassion' budget so you'll have to tell him to sod off now!'

"Whoops..."

"We have a cow AND a pig heart valve. Then, we gave him chicken lips, and a farmhand. I recommend you register him with the USDA."

'Slap me and I'll see you in court.'

"Just think of all the cigarettes I could have smoked."

"When they said they were bringing in students I thought they meant MEDICAL students."

"Just to be on the safe side, I'd like to start an aggressive course of billing you."

"I'm afraid the diagnosis isn't good."

Hospital porter leaving brain behind

'Hold it RIGHT there, buster! Nobody leaves the floor before signing out first!'

Way too General Practitioner

"Do you want to speak to the man in charge or the nurse who knows what's going on?"

'Remember the NHS ethos; if it ain't broke, break it. Then make sure it can't be mended.'