Healthcare Satirist Gifts

'He's our new Pallitative Specialist!'

'It's bad news I'm afraid. Your illness isn't on our performance targets.'

'Of course you don't feel any better. Two years ago I gave you six months to live. You do the math.'

Incontinence Hot Line - 'Please hold.'

'Doctor, you amputated the wrong leg!'

'Urology...can you hold?'

'Due to cutbacks we've had to accept a sponsor for your stitches.'

'I'm going to prescribe something that works like aspirin but costs much, much more.'

'First, we're going to run some tests to help pay off the machine,'

'I'd better run some tests... It could be cancer.'

'We'll only do 72% of it, since it's been reported that 28% of surgery is unnecessary.'

'Picked one you like yet?'

'We abide by HIPAA laws to protect your privacy.'

'Sure, we called for a second opinion. That was six months ago.'

"And, in our continuing effort to minimize surgical costs, I'll be hitting you over the head and tearing you open with my bare hands."

'To avoid lawsuits, we now refer all patients to other doctors.'

When he got the wrong medication, no one would own up to it. They were real good at covering their own butts.

'And this nurse Jenkins...who we'll be blaming if the hospital kills your husband...'

There's nothing really wrong with you but I think a little surgery would make us both feel better.

Counter recording 'time elapsed' and 'cost so far' during surgery.

"The only type of anesthesia your health insurance would cover is a tranquilizer dart."

'The patient's doing well but the budget's hemorrhaging badly.'

'The NHS wants patients to make more decisions about their treatment...so here's your blood tests and a prescription pad, I'll be back later.'

"Your insurance has run out. We're discharging you from the 'Observation Care' floor to the 'Who Cares?' room in the basement."

'What I call a miracle drug is one that doesn't start a government investigation.'

"Hey, little fella. Welcome to the risk pool."

'So, if this procedure is 100% safe, why do I need to sign this waiver?!'

'First we're going to run some tests to see how your insurance reacts.'

"I know other hospitals are worried about the superbug, but ours is the only one that understands the accounts system."

'This is an 'old person', or if you want to use the more technical term, a 'bedblocker'.'

Medical Staff

"Good heavens! Who hooked you up? This one is cable TV!"

"Now, what seems to be the problem?"

"Just look for something in my price range."

'By the time I'd explained that we were instituting a 360 degree patient facing strategy with a radical new paradigm prioritising blue sky initiatives in a coordinated health management structure he'd gone and died!'