Healthcare Satire Lover Gifts

If pharmacists spoke like doctors wrote.

"And would you be performing the actual surgery?"

"Who's the sickest?"

"Sorry, Sylvia, but your mother's long-term care has been going on just a little bit too long."

'That pest in 453 is being discharged.'

'Can you believe I was open for six months, and not one single client?!?'

"I suggest you take these pills on an empty stomach."

'Not every day you get a health minister in the surgery...might as well enjoy it!'

'Your tests came back. . . bad news. Not only did we find a lump, you are a lump. . .'

"It was a difficult operation, but in the end I won."

'Have a good night's sleep. I'll tell you the bad news in the morning.'

'And how dull is this pain?...'

"I just want to make sure it's clear, since this is how you'll be paying me."

'Are you here to see the doctor or one of his patients?'

"Just think of all the cigarettes I could have smoked."

'The nurse said you wanted to see me.'

'He's finished his soup but won't eat his bread poultice.'

'OK, now cough...'.

"You may know him from his short time in the waiting room, or his recent works 'Prior Authorization' and 'Prescription Refills.' He was named 'A recent missed call' in your phone just last week. Here he is, your doctor!"

Hospital porter leaving brain behind

9 out of 10 doctors recommend keeping their stethoscopes in the freezer.

"Four out of five pediatricians agree that the fifth pediatrician is a moron."

'Our health plan consists of an hour of free web time to self-diagnose.'

"Ooops, having a bit of a senior moment. This squishy bit over here hooks up where?"

"I know other hospitals are worried about the superbug, but ours is the only one that understands the accounts system."

Providing Healthcare For All

'Maybe it is psychosomatic.'

'I think it's damn unprofessional for a dermatologist to scream 'Yikes' like that.'

'We'll need to run some preliminary tests to see if you're healthy enough for more invasive follow-up tests.'

'As you know, medical costs have skyrocketed -- that'll be fifty cents.'

'I only got up for a drink of water, and a queue's formed next to my bed.'

We can't call the doctor, we can't call the nurse, we have to call the lady with the alligator purse.

'You can tell your grandkids, you rode the most expensive vehicle on Earth!'

Auto parts, Lite Puff Pastries, & Health Insurance Exchange.

'The doctors say I have a rare illness that turns people into birds - it's untweetable.'