Health Service Satirist Gifts

'Get behind me Satan!'

'This the Assistant to the deputy parliamentary undersecretary for health...he'll be responsible for your accessing a positive care outcome.'

Not to worry...by the most remarkable of coincidences a new polyclinic has been opened just 12 miles away...

"If you phone me, your chances of getting a return call are only one in ten."

"I know other hospitals are worried about the superbug, but ours is the only one that understands the accounts system."

Providing Healthcare For All

'Maybe it is psychosomatic.'

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

'I think it's damn unprofessional for a dermatologist to scream 'Yikes' like that.'

'We'll need to run some preliminary tests to see if you're healthy enough for more invasive follow-up tests.'

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

'As you know, medical costs have skyrocketed -- that'll be fifty cents.'

'I only got up for a drink of water, and a queue's formed next to my bed.'

We can't call the doctor, we can't call the nurse, we have to call the lady with the alligator purse.

'The doctors say I have a rare illness that turns people into birds - it's untweetable.'

'You can tell your grandkids, you rode the most expensive vehicle on Earth!'

Auto parts, Lite Puff Pastries, & Health Insurance Exchange.

'Take one of these three times a day until you start to feel better.'

'The food here isn't too bad, just try not to swallow !'

'What I call a miracle drug is one that doesn't start a government investigation.'

Scary Halloween ICD-10 codes.

These drug will cost you an arm and a leg...the good news is, my wife and I own stock in the company that makes them.

'Hi, I'm Dr.Jones. Sorry about my little prank, but it saves us a fortune in enemas.'

What the patient heard and what the doctor meant to convey.

NHS/Private Eye Care.

"Of course I believe in unions - Where do you think we doctors would be without the A.M.A.?"

'Excuse me, sir. Could you spare $2000,000 to treat an uninsurable pre-existing condition?'

'Are you writing my symptoms, or is that your autobiography?'

"I've decided to go a different way for our new health plan."

"There's a shortage of beds, dear."

"I've run every test known to man, and it turns out you're allergic to medical bills."

'If you could roll up your sleeves, go behind the screen and plaster the wall.'

"Sorry, new style pain killer. It's the cut-backs I'm afraid."

"Look, look … someone wrote unoperable."

Medical Center.