Hospital Opening Gifts

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

'OK, the old one's in my right hand, the donor's in my left. Rght?'

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

'and remember delivery is free if it happens in a half hour!'

Coming Soon - Maternity Clinic. Coming Soon After - Law Firm Dealing in Medical Malpractice.

'Oh, believe me -- you don't want to hear it in layman's terms!'

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

"Please, doc, pull the plug. Not on me...on the TV!"

STRIP Hambone: Businessman in hospital with his computer

"We'll have someone to help you as soon as we've recruited and trained them. Shouldn't be more than 5 or 6 years!"

"Why, Mr. Larsen! We were about ready to give up on you."

"Congratulations, Mr and Mrs Starmer. It's a tool!"

"I expect a speedy recovery,"

'Is there a chance you will die under the anaesthetic? Well, that is the killer question.'

'Hey, this guy's been operated on before!'

'As for the tonsillectomy...there was a little mix-up... In other words, you now have cup size D!'

'And Remember delivery is free if it happens in a half hour!'

'Don't mind him, he gets that way every Opening Day when I tell him he can't have a gun.'

Admissions lady: 'I don't take care of myself like I should ... my negligence probably killed a guy once ... I'm secretly attracted to you ...'

'It's a screaming ladies part.'

Celebration in operating theatre.

"Strictly organic ingredients section or Russian roulette with genetically modified foods section?"

'You can always tell the pediatricians.'

'You're either getting smaller or they're giving you bigger pillows.'

'Your left ventricle doesn't know what your right ventricle is doing.'

'I'm sorry, but I can't tell you which room the star basketball player is recovering in.'

Maternity Ward "Just call me the Secretary of Labor."

'Who's your next of kin? When did you last eat or drink? Do you have any allergies? Are you wearing clean underpants?'

Some people have their own methods of dealing with a shortage of nurses

"I see you've got a new cheese counter."

"Oh no, those aren't recharging stations for phones. We have those there so physicians can get themselves recharged!"