Hospital Hilarian Gifts

'I knew it was going to cost me when I noticed the mahogany tongue depressor'

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

'Honey, I wish you wouldn't bring your work home with you!'

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

"You may have been the victim of a mis-sold PFI contract."

"And I want you to meet Coco, your anesthesiologist."

Dancing Doctor

'Before you see any patients have you completed your hand sterilisation and soap management course?'

"Chaplain, the lord should put warning labels on some of his creations."

'But they told me to take her down to theatre...'

'and remember delivery is free if it happens in a half hour!'

Robodoc... the NHS surgeon of the future.

"WHich one is mine?"

'Believe me, Mr, Hart, Laughter really is the best medicine,'

"She fell down stairs again, so this is her third hip."

"In case something happens during the surgery and you become incapacitated, have you designated someone to make poor life choices on your behalf?"

"Unfortunately, there's no cure—there's not even a race for a cure."

'See? The idiots put my danged knee replacement in backward!'

"He's going to be O.K., but he still wants you to remarry."

Woman in hospital has i.v. attached to plant.

'Oh, believe me -- you don't want to hear it in layman's terms!'

'I had considered a career as an offshore commodities broker specialising in securitised asset transfers but the pension wasn't as good.'

"Sorry, that's not my table."

'Let me guess...it's contagious!'

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

Downloading Pregnancy

Kid with plaster cast being sawn off.

'Wow! That was quite some push Mrs Smith...'

'The funny part is that the aerial was fine -- the TV set was just unplugged!'

"You'll feel a pinch now and another one when the bill comes."

I just hope my doctor is not on twitter too!

'What's holding him up?'

Saline Drip Sommelier.

"The patient in 12-C needs comforting."

"You'll be awake during the entire procedure. Your HMO won't cover the Anesthesia."