Hospital Financier Gifts

"Give it to me straight. I want the truth. How much will all this set me back?"

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

'Oh, believe me -- you don't want to hear it in layman's terms!'

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

STRIP Hambone: Businessman in hospital with his computer

"Please, doc, pull the plug. Not on me...on the TV!"

"I expect a speedy recovery,"

Excess Baggage: Sooner or later all those vacation bills come due.

"Congratulations, Mr and Mrs Starmer. It's a tool!"

"Why, Mr. Larsen! We were about ready to give up on you."

"I was a stockbroker first, but when I realized how much time I spent praying, I figured, what the heck?"

'Is there a chance you will die under the anaesthetic? Well, that is the killer question.'

"Because of the economic situation they've relaxed the rules."

"Your test results are back. We're going to have to remove your appendix and your wallet."

'Hey, this guy's been operated on before!'

"And the Lord said, 'You know, it takes a ton of money to run a place like this.'"

'Get me a hundred milligrams of Oxycontin... And pick up something for this guy while you're at it.'

'As for the tonsillectomy...there was a little mix-up... In other words, you now have cup size D!'

'It's a brand new state-of-the-art waiting room.'

'I bet he gets a better rate of interest than me!'

'You can always tell the pediatricians.'

We need to keep him a few days, but we can loan you a courtesy husband until he's ready to go home.

Admissions lady: 'I don't take care of myself like I should ... my negligence probably killed a guy once ... I'm secretly attracted to you ...'

'It's a screaming ladies part.'

'Your left ventricle doesn't know what your right ventricle is doing.'

'Who's your next of kin? When did you last eat or drink? Do you have any allergies? Are you wearing clean underpants?'

"But Doctor - will the government pay for Ferris Buelleritis?"

'We've been told to get families more involved in patient care, he'll need a bath and lunch in about 30 minutes.'

Maternity Ward "Just call me the Secretary of Labor."

Medical school graduation gowns.

"The good news is the frustration of filling out all this paperwork will keep your mind off your pain."

Some people have their own methods of dealing with a shortage of nurses

Hospital Visit

"This is a third-year medical student. To cut costs, your insurance company dismissed the surgeon."